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Joke
midaso
#1 Posted : Sunday, August 19, 2007 7:59:40 AM(UTC)
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Got any good jokes to cheer up a joke(me)?

mattyrobbo
#4 Posted : Sunday, August 19, 2007 8:25:54 AM(UTC)
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There's an Englishman Irishman and a scotsman all accused of rape. The victim walks into the room to identify the rapist and the Irishman says, "Thats her, I raped her!"
Steffile
#18 Posted : Sunday, August 19, 2007 8:44:37 AM(UTC)
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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
mattyrobbo
#5 Posted : Sunday, August 19, 2007 8:55:07 AM(UTC)
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A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

Saint
#11 Posted : Sunday, August 19, 2007 9:47:07 AM(UTC)
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[:P]


In Belgium there where these scientists that where working on body protection.


So they where on this very high building... and dropped down a helmet and watched what happend.


The helmet hit the ground and was broken... ''hmmm'', the next thing they dropped from the building was a wool cap.


And when that hit the ground nothing happend and the wool cap was still like new.


So now everyone in Belguim who does a job or does something where you need to protect you're head wears a wool cap.

mattyrobbo
#6 Posted : Sunday, August 19, 2007 3:26:27 PM(UTC)
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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like
this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's
butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'"
snarky
#16 Posted : Sunday, August 19, 2007 9:27:20 PM(UTC)
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what,s cannibalism?


germans eating pork

safi from egypt
#10 Posted : Monday, August 20, 2007 2:55:10 AM(UTC)
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CROUCHING TIGER
#2 Posted : Monday, August 20, 2007 8:44:40 AM(UTC)
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BELGEN???? HOE DURF JE[:P]



WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD
Saint
#12 Posted : Monday, August 20, 2007 11:58:01 AM(UTC)
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[quote user="snarky"]

what,s cannibalism?


germans eating pork


[/quote]


Hahahaha... my god, you do know that there are german people here[:p]

mattyrobbo
#7 Posted : Monday, August 20, 2007 2:36:35 PM(UTC)
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Steffile
#19 Posted : Monday, August 20, 2007 2:53:20 PM(UTC)
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

snarky
#17 Posted : Monday, August 20, 2007 6:12:10 PM(UTC)
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[quote user="Saint"][quote user="snarky"]

what,s cannibalism?


germans eating pork


[/quote]


Hahahaha... my god, you do know that there are german people here[:p]


[/quote]


they won,t understand. anyway how can you not take notice of them?


but:what,s incest?


dutch having sex with  rats

CROUCHING TIGER
#3 Posted : Tuesday, August 21, 2007 5:54:58 AM(UTC)
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Masha plays cheesy-dutch Krajicek when suddenly Masha misses a smash. "It's that dead pigeon over there" Masha says. "What dead pigeon?" Krajicek asks, looking at the sky......


WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD
shrapi
#14 Posted : Tuesday, August 21, 2007 6:52:56 AM(UTC)
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Q.Why do Englishmen always go home for funerals?

A. To make sure it's not them who has died.

shrapi
#15 Posted : Tuesday, August 21, 2007 7:35:17 AM(UTC)
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What is the longest word in the English language?


"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

mattyrobbo
#9 Posted : Tuesday, August 21, 2007 7:50:33 AM(UTC)
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On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket.

Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

sarah
#13 Posted : Wednesday, August 22, 2007 7:10:57 AM(UTC)
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[quote user="Steffile"]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."


[/quote]


You cant imagine how much i was laughing and i still am, with that joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha!!

Steffile
#20 Posted : Thursday, August 23, 2007 1:35:39 PM(UTC)
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One of my favourite jokes.


A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

mattyrobbo
#8 Posted : Thursday, August 23, 2007 6:09:31 PM(UTC)
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lol good joke.






Under The Influence - Bar Jokes - Drinkers' Troubleshooting Guide

 Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is
wet.

Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to
wrong part of face.

Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.
Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking
technique is perfect.


Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually
pale and clear.

Fault : Glass is empty.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.


Symptom : Feet cold and wet.

Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.


Symptom : Feet warm and wet.

Fault : Loss of self-control.

Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while
complain to its owner about its lack of house training.


Symptom : Lap cool and wet.

Fault : Drooling on yourself.

Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone
else.

Symptom : Bar blurred.

Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.


Symptom :Bar moving.

Fault : You are being carried out.

Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not
complain loudly that you are being hijacked.


Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.

Fault : You're at a circus.

Solution : Go to a bar.


Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has
a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault : You have fallen over backwards.

Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you
up and lash you to the bar.


Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of
teeth and cigarette butts.

Fault : You have fallen over forwards.

Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.


Symptom : Everything has gone dim.

Fault : The pub is closing.

Solution : PANIC!!

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