Listening to "Doll Parts" by Hole.
Because of who you are and your rigorous rigorous schedule
I can't expect anything from you in return.
I am wiling to wait but I do have my needs.
Its so difficult looking for the right woman Maria.
And when you finally find her how will you know if she will like you back.
You can't tell her that you burn for her.
That you melt every time you see her.
That you enjoy listening to anything that says her.
No Maria no, instead you have to be a gentleman.
Wait your turn.
Wait until the end of the date to say, "Maria I had a wonderful time tonight.
I would love to do this again, um good night."
You close your door and I'm off to see if there is a second date.
Then next day I call you and say something like,
"Hey, there's something going on tonight, do you want to go with me?"
I pick you up. You laugh. We eat. You laugh. We dance.
All in all another fabulous night just hanging out.
We make it back and I say,
"Well that was fun. We should do it again. So good night Maria good night."
You kiss me and I watch you walk in.
Meanwhile everything inside me is burning to be next to you.
And then finally after the third date.
The date where we already know what the other one is thinking.
The date where we don't have to do anything at all if we don't want to.
Um I guess the romantic date.
You take my hand and say something like, "Come on. Come inside. Let's go inside."
And I say, "No um not tonight. Its late and I should be getting back."
We kiss good night for awhile and we quietly go inside.
Something you should know.
I have a secret lover.
She looks a lot like you.
She stops by every once in awhile.
So we are in bed resting and she says without looking at me,
"I don't care about all of the others. I don't care what they think of me.
I don't even care what you think of me.
You can go on having your cake and eating it too."
And then she took a deep breath and said-
"I don't think we should do it again until Maria wins a match against Serena.
I don't think we should see each other again until that happens."
I just looked at her.
So I'm with Jennifer and we are in her car because she insists on driving.
Its a big car. Filthy inside. She loves it.
The only problem is that Jennifer doesn't like to make left turns.
No Maria no left turns at all.
So we can only make right turns if we go anywhere.
Its extremely time consuming.
It also means sitting in more traffic getting off and on off of I-69.
When a left turn absolutely positively has to be made we "Switch".
We both get out.
She runs around the back of the car while I run around the front.
We both get back in and I make the left turn that absolutely positively has to be made.
Then she says brimming with confidence, "Okay pull over. I'll take it from here."
Then I say, "But Jennifer to get to Maria's we have to make like three more left turns."
She says, "Yeah I know. So pull over."
I take a deep breath and stop at the red light.
We both get out.
This time I run around the back of the car and she runs around the front because
Jennifer thinks that the designated driver should always be the one that runs to the front during a changeover.
The light turns green as we get back in.
People are honking behind us as Jennifer re-adjusts the seat and puts her seat belt on.
We miss the light.
Jennifer rolls down her window, turns around, and starts waving to the people behind us.
They recognize her smile and wave back.
Its amazing how beauty just makes all the pain go away.
Sometimes people actually get out and apologize for honking.
Shake her hand and wish her well.
I only put up with this because she's beautiful and since your not here
I need all the extra beauty that I can get.
We start moving again.
Jennifer doesn't use the passenger side mirror so she relies on whomever
is sitting next to her to tell her when "the coast is clear".
In other words another set of eyes to change lanes so-to-speak.
In short, you really really really can't not pay attention when she is driving.
All of this and she still makes time to primp, pose, and look great behind the wheel.
Sometimes I look at her craziness and think to myself how lucky I am to be such good friends with her
despite not seeing the show that made television history, the show that made her famous.
Yes Maria I did that. I offered to teach her how to make a left turn.
She thanked me and dismissed the idea immediately as if many many other people had already
offered to help.
Jennifer likes to be in control.
I even think that she likes the fact that she doesn't know how to make left turns because she stays in control that way.
Watching her drive is an adventure.
She sits extremely close to the wheel as to make sure that she sees it all.
She likes talking about the traffic while she is driving too.
About the cars coming up behind us and passing us.
And anything not a car is identified to all by shouting out what the car is.
So if there's a black truck coming up behind us Jennifer shouts out,
I turn to look around and low and behold there is a truck trying to pass us.
She does the same with motorcycles, ambulances, garbage trucks, and buses as well.
So in other words Maria we don't talk about anything until she stops the car.
Maybe for a minute while we wait for the light to change but other than that
its difficult to carry on a conversation with her.
Thats why anytime I see her in a movie and she's driving I know that she's
driving on a straight road because she can't make any left turns.
We get to the next left to get to Courteney's newly renovated condo.
Jennifer stops in the middle of the intersection and we switch.
She runs towards the back of the car, towards the oncoming traffic,
and I run around to the front, to the middle of the intersection.
Cars are honking loudly. Whizzing by us.
I adjust the seat to my height and we get in.
I make the left turn that absolutely positively has to be made.
I drive for a minute hoping that she'll come to her senses and let me drive to the next left
which just so happens to happen very very soon.
But no no she just won't have it.
She puts her hair up in a ponytail and says,
"Okay okay stop. Stop here. I'm ready to drive again. Pull over now, just pull over."
Maria you can blame it all on me.
Jennifer amongst others does it all the time.
Its not a problem. I go down with the ship. I go down for everyone.
So anyway, I had this dream where we are in bed together.
Its late late, way way past midnight.
Your beautiful head resting on me while your talking in your sleep.
Your muttering about someone.
I can't tell who it is that your talking about but its certainly not me.
Then you suddenly wake up and look at me.
I look up at the ceiling.
The skylight above us our window to the other beautiful stars.
You slide on top of me.
I say, "Must we Maria? I mean its late. Lets sleep."
You say, "Your not sleeping. I'm not sleeping."
Then you say, "I got an idea lets not sleep together."
You look at me.
Your pretty face the new moon blocking my view of the stars.
I say, "Maria there's nothing to worry about. Its all under control now."
You smile at me.
Those giant green eyes of yours saying simply, "We'll see."
We roll over on our sides and I say, "Numero Uno was here today."
You reply, "She was? Um what did she want?"
I say, "Many things my love. Many many things..
Guidance. Reassurance. Information. Money.
She wanted to know what was going on. What's the delay?
I told her that you were mulling it over.
That I'm not in control over what happens next.
I told her that it wasn't my call."
Then I say, "She disagreed with me as usual. She got upset.
She said I wasn't being straight with her.
She starting rambling on about her schedule and not being told what's going on.
You know the usual what are waiting for blah blah blah bs.
I told her that I didn't have time for this.
That you land at three and I have to go pick you up at the airport.
I assured her that she would know when and where.
Thats when we made our way upstairs for her treatment.
You say, "And?"
And I say, "And what?"
Then you say, "You mean here? So so what happened?"
I say, "Nothing. Halfway up Jennifer rang the doorbell so she came upstairs and I went downstairs to let her in."
Then you sit up and say, "So both of them were up here with you?"
I say, "Yes. Yes um both of them were up here, yeah."
You lay back down.
I watch you think. Your upset about something.
Then I say, "I'm not sure why your upset right now.
I mean it was your idea in the first place.
If it makes you feel any better I didn't stay. I left to pick you up.
Instead I had a quickie meeting with big Courteney.
We talked about the fundraiser.
I want her involved. She's important to me.
I need the echo.
You don't say anything.
Hi. Its raining.
I don't have to look. Your still here.
I finally decided to sort through these love letters that other women had to written me.
Many many hand written beautiful letters.
Letters written from their hearts, their souls, their imaginations.
I don't deserve them.
Some of them, some the women I couldn't remember.
I couldn't put a face to a name or a name to a letter.
I couldn't remember who sent what.
I dated many many women oversees but I didn't realize just how many until I put all of the letters together.
All the letters from all of the countless women that I kept in contact with.
They would come here as guests. Stay at the house. Feel the power.
I would show them my city, the countryside.
We would fall in love and two weeks later they would leave.
Fly away and never come back.
Making every moment together something that I would cherish forever.
Its difficult to read some of them.
I hate not remembering them after they've poured their heart and soul out to me.
When they start every letter with "I love you, I love you, I love you."
Over and over and over again.
Telling me about their whereabouts. Their friends. Their families. Their ambitions.
Their wants and desires.
And then ending the letter with, "I miss you. Don't forget me. Call me. Write me back.
Let me know if my gift made it there. I love you. I love you. I love you. Bye."
I wanted to tell them that they were the gift, but didn't want it to continue.
They leave you and you end up in love with a ghost.
Reading all of these is like sitting at the front in a large large crowded room.
And one by one each one of them stands before us, half smiles at us and says,
"What can I say Maria um your beautiful. Congratulations."
Then she looks at me.
And you my prince Prince Charming. My knight in shining armor.
You know how I feel about you. What I was willing to be for you.
You made me feel important. Like a princess. Like no one else mattered in the whole world.
If there is anything about you that I will miss the most its the way that you were with me when we were alone.
The way you treated me. Respected me and never left my side to go do something else that was more important.
You know that I loved you and that I still do."
She walks off and the next letter says something similar.
Something private. Something I remember. Something I can't take back.
Its hard to listen to someone praising you when you don't think you deserve it.
Especially when all your were doing was being yourself.
Thats my problem Maria.
These women knew I would go along for the ride no matter what.
And when I did anything they wanted and more.
They fell in love with me.
Listening to "Violet" by Hole
I give in. Pull myself together and go to the party.
I take a friend with me.
She's attractive. Laughs at everything I say. Knows how to dress.
And furthermore, she's smarter than I am.
I'm also taking her because she loves Jay Z.
We get there and five minutes in my date for the evening that we'll call
"Victoria from Brazil" is hit on by another woman.
Now normally I wouldn't object.
I'm spoken for anyway.
The three of us are just on yet another time out.
Jennifer is busy making her movie, sleeping around, same thing I know but whatever.
You of course are a pro. Selling your candy. Smiling and practicing really really really hard.
And I'm busy writing my book called, "Maria, Maria."
So anyway Victoria and I are talking tennis and up walks over this Fed fatale.
She's also very attractive. Well to do. Wants information.
I've seen her before but I can't remember where from.
She's a slut. Has a reputation.
She says hello and introduces herself as "Mrs. Winters."
Miss Summer Winters from been there and back over and over again.
It starts out okay.
We look around and talk about some of the other people there.
I point out three of her lovers and who they are screwing now so she knows that i know who she is.
She then turns laughs and hits on Victoria.
Its a subtle move.
The "Wow, what is that!" pick up line.
Admiring Victoria's Picasso necklace as if she's never ever seen one before.
Its so lesbian I can't stand it.
Its at that point that I decide to take Victoria's drink to freshen it up.
I'm not going to stand there and watch her drool all over her.
Same sex!?! God. I mean what is that?
Its a reason to sniff around someone else's back side when you arrive without a date, thats what it is.
Just another excuse for yet another tax bracket.
Gay means money. Big money.
I don't care. Make more. Be gay. Be happy. To Hell with you.
Just don't rub up on my date right in front of me, I mean how tacky is that.
At least give me the courtesy of telling me that you want more than just casual conversation
with my lover for the evening.
I could tell that Victoria wasn't into it.
Its funny she would look just like you if you were Brazilian.
She's not nearly as polished of course. Not as refined.
Nothing like you but of course nobody is.
I mean she's nineteen for Pete's sake! A deer talking to the hungry wolves.
I mean what could she possibly do? What would you expect her to do?
I think I'm entitled to some nineteen Maria.
After Jennifer and Britney darling as far as I'm concerned I'm entitled to at least six of them,
for a long weekend, in my bed, anything I want, ask someone else, don't ask me sex!"
So anyway, I get back from the bar.
Hand Victoria her drink.
She turns to me and says, "Let's go, let's get out of here."
I lean in and say, "Why? What happened?"
Victoria just rolls her eyes.
Then "Summer" comes back but this time she brings someone I should have expected eventually.
Jennifer walks up like a giant cock with feathers and smiles like she just ate every canary in the hemisphere.
I say, "What are you doing here?"
Jennifer says, "What am I doing here?"
Victoria just looks at us.
Then she says, "Um do you two need a moment?"
I say, "No."
Jennifer says "Yes."
Summer takes Victoria by the arm and says,
"Come. Come meet my daughter "Spring" and my son "Fall."
Smiling at me as she takes Victoria away.
I say to Jennifer, "Your looking well again."
Jennifer says, (cough) "You too. So um whose the fifteen year old?"
I say, "She's not fifteen. She's nineteen. Victoria. Her name is Victoria. She's from Brazil."
Then she says, "Does Maria know about Victoria?"
I say, "Yes. No. I mean there's nothing to tell. She's a friend.
She came out with me on short notice, Jennifer.
I mean thats what "Friends" do right Jennifer?
Come out to help each other out on short notice."
Then she says, "Are you implying that I wouldn't have made myself available to you at a moments notice?
That we aren't friends anymore?"
I look around lean in and quietly say,
"All I am saying is that she came here with me on short notice."
Then she says, "Refresh my memory, why are you here again?"
I say , "Jay Z invited me. He asked me to come and I brought Victoria here to meet him."
Jennifer looks at me.
She's trying to see if I'm telling her the truth or not.
Then I say, "And your here for what? Are you checking up on me?
A new boyfriend? An old boyfriend? Horny? Money? Real estate?
Pray tell which is it going to be tonight?"
She says, "No no checking up on anyone. No I came here with Courteney."
I pretend to be surprised, "Courteney. Courteney's here too?"
She turns around and points to her. She's talking to every guy in the room.
I think to myself, "Yuck. She looks good again too. Black dress.
High maintenance heels. Understated but still sexy as Hell."
I look at her and say, "Oh there she is, yes lovely."
Victoria walks towards us.
Then I say to Jennifer, "Would you look at the time. Its getting late.
I probably should take her home. You know being fifteen and all."
Jennifer laughs and says, "Its a school night huh?"
I just look at her.
Victoria says, "Are you ready to go now? I don't think your friend is coming tonight."
I put down my drink and say, "Yes, yes I'm ready. Lets go."
We start saying good night.
Jennifer kisses me and says, "My place in an hour."
Hi. Things aren't looking too good for us right now.
Forgive me but I like looking at your legs.
I know I'm not supposed to say it but I don't give a damn.
So I'm saying it. To hell with them all!
I think I'm entitled to let my guard down for a minute.
Entitled to look at something as beautiful as you are.
I had a nightmare.
We went out of town. The cabin by the lake.
I ran but you cornered me.
Your a monster when you hungry. A real monster.
We started doing it again.
You were upset and started doing it to me really really hard.
Then it happened. It happened for you.
You found what you had been looking for, what you had lost.
The oceans part, you see the Earth.
The inferno that is you seeping, burning down below.
You go supersonic in slow motion right before my very eyes.
Then you look down.
You realize that I didn't feel the ground shake.
That I'm still ready. Strong long and still ready to erupt like a volcano.
You look at me as if to say, "You didn't fly with me-you didn't feel it too?"
And thats when we have the same conversation that I had with my Jennifer.
"I don't want you to think that just because I didn't get there means that I think that your a bad lover.
That I'm not having a good time. That I'm not interested in being dominated by you anymore."
I look at you. Your not saying anything. Not even with your eyes. Those black black eyes indeed.
I look up at you, your hair untamed and out of control.
I say to you, "I'll still love you. We'll get it right. I'll do what it takes. I'll take the pounding."
Then I look away and say, "There are times when I don't know who you are Maria.
Times when I see the other one. The one that you don't let anybody see.
The wild woman within. The man.
The insensitivity to my needs.
The "I don't care, I'm tired, take care of my needs this instant."
Beloved, I do enjoy what we have together, every single night, all over the house,
in the deepest and darkest corners of your imagination.
Heck I don't even mind that sometimes you take me for granted after a match.
Take out all of your aggressions on me.
Have your way with me when your frustrated and angry.
I'm not totally in the dark you know.
I do watch you from time to time. I see what's going on.
I know what kind of night its going to be by just looking at the scoreboard.
I know its not just about the winning and the losing.
Your place or mine. Top or bottom.
Its about those blasted HEAD games Maria.
Those HEAD games that you enjoy playing all by yourself.
The one on one confrontations that you enjoy having with yourself.
The "mental" part of your game.
Heck, I know its the reason why you don't play doubles anymore.
Look look enough. Its finished. I don't have time for this.
I'm very busy. I have so many things that I am being held accountable for.
So many that I speak for. Watch for. Live and die for.
You know who I am. I don't have to spell it out for you.
If you need me to be the player that doesn't play, the one that just sits there and watches, I can be that.
We can play doubles and I just won't play.
I'll let you have all the balls that you want. Fine!
I won't hold it against you. I won't singles you out.
I think that everybody needs someone in their life that they can take for granted.
Someone they can throw away just to have to sift through it all after they've lost him.
Lost him to the world. Lost him to your busy busy life. Lost him in your honey green eyes.
You need these throw-aways Maria especially if they give you themselves to you willingly.
No conditions. No terms. No excuses. No words.
They love you when your down and feel the pain when you lose.
They keep you strong when its not the ending that you wanted find.
They keep you alive when losing feels like death.
We make the mistake of throwing them away Maria.
And all because they wanted to be one of the ones that help us love who we are
and be one of the ones that let us be who we need to be.
I miss you Beloved. I miss you very very much.
Hi. Long time no sea.
I'm on Sixth Avenue having a Naked smoothie in a local coffee house.
Its a beautiful beautiful day outside.
I'm back from my Dad's castle.
The King is doing much much better.
His energy is up but he still looks like Hell.
I gave him your regards and told him that you would send him some beauty.
To my surprise he hired a very very very attractive Jamaican nurse to tend to all of his personal needs.
Its funny I had no idea he even took it black.
As for me I just finished brunch. A light Russian omelet.
No bacon or ham but lots and lots of huge gigantic immense sausages on the side.
Then some muffin at the "Buffet" for dessert.
Oh sorry sorry, forgive me, thats what you usually order from the menu LOL.
So anyway, the move to get a nurse seems to have done the "trick".
His energy level was much higher this time and his voice was much much stronger.
He even gained a little bit of wait, Maria.
I am happy to report that the King still lives.
Beloved my King still lives...
So I'm with Britney and Jennifer and we are all out of it after Katy's party last night.
Britney yawns and says, "I need another mocha."
So we walk over to Starbucks just across the street.
We walk in and the place is totally empty. No line. Its incredible.
The Barrister, the guy behind the counter recognizes Britney immediately
and starts screaming at the top of his lungs,
"Britney Spears! Britney Spears! Oh my God its Britney Spears!!"
He turns around to see his co-workers reaction.
They start applauding and cheering.
Britney smiles, waves, and takes a bow.
As friendly as he was he makes the fatal fatal fatal mistake of not recognizing Jennifer.
I tilt my head as to get him to look again but he still doesn't see her.
He's simply blinded by Britney.
He doesn't see the other beauty in the room.
The mega star of stage, screen, and film standing right next to me.
I think to myself, "Great, a run for more coffee turns into yet another Jennifer identity crisis."
She is smiling from ear to ear because she loves her fans and she loves being recognized.
Being American royalty does have its privileges.
Hers, the Barrister says, "Is on the house."
Then he looks at Jennifer and says excitedly, "Miss, miss? And what would you like?"
Jennifer replies quietly without looking up, "I'm thinking."
I grab her hand and I tell her that now is a good time to recite her "Words To Live By".
We say it together.
"My name is Jennifer. I am a Greek American award winning actress.
I am who I am. I can't be someone else for everybody else all the time.
There are some days when I can only be me. Thank you."
The Barrister turns to me and says, "Sir, what would you like?"
I order a small iced coffee, not sweetened.
Then he says, "Your name?"
I look around. There's still nobody in the store.
I say to him, "You really have to have my name?"
He says, "Yeah its part of what makes coming to Starbucks fun!
We call out your name when your order is completed.
Just so there is no mix up or anything."
I look at him. I look around and there is still no one else in the store.
So I give in and give him my name.
"Tiger Woods, my name is Tiger Woods."
Jennifer looks at me and starts laughing.
Its the most beautiful beautiful smile in the world.
He barks out my order, "One iced, not sweetened for um Tiger? Tiger Woods?"
Hands me my coffee and says, "Its on me Tiger its on me."
I take my coffee, tip him, and thank him.
Then he says, "And for you Madam?"
She looks up at me, smiles and says,
"Oh oh nothing for me. I'm fine thank you.
I have everything I could possibly ever want right here next to me.", smiling as she says it.
I nudge her and say, "Go on, its okay, get something."
She looks at me and says, "Lets go home."
Its raining here. Drizzling.
Tears of Love that say I love you I love you I love you.
I had this dream about watching you walk these two giant cocker spaniels.
Two hungry juicy ferocious ones.
Wild untamed beasts that drag you down the street as you walk.
Snarling, spitting, and biting at everyone as they pass you by.
Way way too much for just anyone to handle.
Two big cocks for a four time Champion.
It will take everything you have in you to handle such big fat thick juicy cocks.
You bought them in Bangladesh from the great great Lioness.
But her price for them was way way too high.
You bartered, demanded, begged the Great Lioness to sell them to you.
Spoke of your relationship to me. Your undying love for me.
Her Greatness, the one who saves and conquers us all, was merciful and finally let you have them
but only under one condition.
She said, "Maria, I command thee that on the first full moon after the first eclipse
that you must use your power and send beauty to my eldest eldest daughter Airam.
She is the Princess. My heir. The next in line to my throne.
She is not nearly as beautiful as you are and I want her to be just like you.
Strong, beautiful, and powerful.
After the prophecy is fulfilled then and only then can you go buy the cocker spaniels from Him.
Him, who makes you erupt underneath.
Him, that sees through everything untrue that is absolutely positively you.
Him, that lights the darkness inside of you."
Then she says looking at her mirror.
"Let Him have his way with you. Show Him who you are. Show Him your true nature.
Your beast. Your animal. Your willingness to help Him "succeed".
Beg Him for forgiveness. Lie to Him.
Make Him see that you have changed and that you are willing to fulfill his every request.
Show Him what you want. Show Him what you need.
Take off your mask and seduce Him.
Become his forever."
I sure hope Porsche can make your car look as hot as you are.
Its a tall tall order but I think they can come close. I think.
So anyway I'm at a local greasy spoon working on my book "Jennifer Jennifer"
and I decided that I finally want to be honest with you.
I want to tell you something very very very personal.
Something I would only tell Alexandra.
I know I know its pretty bad.
So I save the changes to page 124 on my laptop, take out a pen and a piece of paper
and start writing you the letter.
Yes I have decided that it should be written in my own hand.
Something this important should be hand written, signed, and dated.
Then I think that I should find some beautiful paper to write it on.
Something that says "I love you so much that I'm running away from you as fast as I can".
You know the "No Matter What" letter.
Send it to you with a box of Cracker Jacks.
You know the caramel flavored popcorn that comes with a surprise inside.
Hopefully you'll open it. Read it aloud. Take the surprise and wear it.
Except me for who I am so that we can move forward.
I can just see it now watching from my assigned table.
Wearing my Sunday Best Armani suit.
My date Victoria asking me over and over again, "What's wrong? What's the matter?"
She's shaking me, asking me over and over again.
You marry someone else and I watch you do it.
It makes me happy to see you happy even if I'm sad that it isn't me.
Then something strange happens.
I get on my horse. Ride west.
The trail set before me, the sunset in my eyes.
I ride for a long long time.
Passed the hills, the valleys, the caves, and the mountains.
Passed the pain, the sadness, and my despair.
I ride all the way to Heartbreak, see an Inn and decide to find out what's next.
I even get a room.
I sit down at a table and take out the "No Matter What" letter that I've been writing to you.
I look across and to my surprise I see two ladies sharing vanilla ice cream.
One Blonde one Brunette. Both are very very pretty.
They are making a mess sharing the same cone.
Getting it all over each other just to lick it off of each other.
I look around to see if anyone else sees this.
The place is empty. Deserted. Just like Starbucks.
Its the kind of place that has ghosts. Words in the walls. Secrets on the fire.
I look at them again and they see me look.
I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable so I go back to my "No Matter What" letter.
I look down and hear them laughing.
They start whispering, licking, sucking, smacking their lips together.
I hear them get up. Move closer to me.
I look up and they've moved to the table directly in front of me.
The Blonde has an accent. I can't tell from where though.
The Brunette doesn't say anything, she's busy licking while the Blonde whispers in her ear.
I look up again just to let them know that I know that they moved closer to me.
I flash them the ring that Jennifer gave me.
Its a great way to ward off women.
I think thats why she gave it to me in the first place.
But like you they weren't at all phased by its size.
The Blonde laughs at the sight of it, looks at me and grabs her friend by the back of her hair,
pulls her head back and gives her a long long kiss.
Its a deep deep penetrating passionate kiss.
Something they have obviously done before.
Something they've done a lot.
The Blonde looks at me and starts licking the Brunette.
She licks her mouth, her face, her chin.
After she's finishes she smiles at me sucking her middle finger.
I smile back and say, "Nice trick."
She says, "Oh yeah Stranger, you wanna see another?"
I just look at them.
Then I say, "Um no no thank you."
The Blonde moves closer pulling the Brunette with her.
She leans in close and says, "What are you writing, Stranger?"
I say, "Its a letter to my wife."
Then I say, "She's not my wife."
The Blonde says, "She's not?"
I say, "No no she married someone else yesterday. It was a beautiful ceremony."
She says, "It was huh? Good good. So Stranger you wanna see a trick?"
Then she says, "How about two tricks?"
I say, "No no thank you. I'm okay. I don't need any help. Um but thanks anyway."
Then she leans in even closer.
Her face in my face. Her eyes staring into mine.
She says quietly, "I think you need a trick Mister Stranger.
I can see it in your eyes. Your wife married someone else."
And thats when I hear the click under the table.
I look at her.
She looks at me.
I say, "Look I don't want any trouble."
She says, "Neither do we Stranger. Its no trouble Honey. No trouble at all."
Then she says, "Come on Mister. Let us take a look. Take the love out of you.
So you can go back to the road and ride free.", smiling as she says it.
I gather myself and say, "So tell me, what do two tricks cost these days?"
She says, "Nothing. Nothing for the Stranger who just lost his wife to someone else.
Nothing for the man who just lost his soul mate."
Then she says, "Lets make it free and call it even."
She slowly backs away to sit back next to the Brunette.
Then I say, "What are your names? I mean what does your friend have to say about all of this?
I mean can she speak or is she mute?"
The Blonde says, "Stick? Yeah she'll talk. Her name is Stick. My name is Assassin."
Then she pulls Stick face next to hers and says in her ear,
"Yeah Stick just loves to talk. Especially to Strangers in town who just watched their wife marry someone else.
Especially to Strangers that can't let go, sit down, and write letters anyway even after its over.
Even after she says I love you to someone else."
Then she licks the Brunettes face and says, "Yeah those are her favorite.", smiling as she says it.
I say, "Okay I accept. I have a room upstairs. Its room number nine. I'm in room number nine."
Assassin takes out her huge huge silver gun and puts it away.
Then she says, "Okay then its settled. We meet upstairs in five minutes."
I say, "Five minutes? Um I mean what's the rush?"
The Brunette Stick leans in close to me and says smiling, "This-way-you-can't-leave."
Her deep green eyes in mine. Her sweet breath on my face.
Then I hear another click under the table.
Stick sits back. Assassin kisses her and then smacks her for talking.
I look at them.
I think to myself are they trying to rob me.
If I say no will she shoot me?
I say, "Okay. You win. Five minutes. I'll be ready in five minutes."
I get up from the table.
Assassin looks at me and blows me a kiss.
Stick looks at me and says, "Five minutes Stranger, five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes.
Five minutes! Five minutes LOL! Five minutes LOL! Five minutes!"
She says it over and over again as I walk over to the front desk.
Its wicked. Her pretty laugh filling the lobby.
Assassin's smack the only thing that stops it.
The clerk gives me the key. I hand her the Cracker Jacks.
She says, "Check out is at nine after nine."
Your code word is "Maria".
I say, "Okay."
I walk upstairs.
I get to the door and I realize that I forgot my "No Matter What" letter that I was writing to you.
I run downstairs.
Go to the table. My letter is gone. The girls are gone.
I look around on the floor. Check the garbage.
Its not here.
I walk to the front desk and ring the bell.
The clerk comes out and says, "You again?"
I say, "Hi um you didn't happen to see a letter on that table there did you?"
She says, "Yes, they threw it in the fire. They said Jennifer said to burn it."
I look at her and say, "Um Jennifer oh okay.."
Then I say, "Um you wouldn't happen to know which one would you?"
Hi. Yeah um before I forget I was talking to Jennifer.
The great Jennifer Lopez.
About signing on to do "American Idol" again.
She's excited. She's not their to save the show she's their to continue the great work by all the other previous judges.
Um she's actually much more excited now about her hometown NFL Football Miami Dolphins.
She claims that they are going to win their division this year.
So she's talking thee talk right, and you know she's a bit high on the hog about their Super Bowl chances.
Then she says the absolutely positively unthinkable.
She calls my team, The Dallas Cowboys, "The Cowgirls".
Now it just so happens that my team plays her team (she owns part of the Dolphins) this Sunday.
So after hearing her gloat about how the Dolphins are going to beat my Cowboys black and blue,
we decide to have a side Bette. A wager.
Its something JLo and I have done before.
So the Bette is "Mine or Yours".
If the Dolphins win Sunday she (by herself) can do whatever she wants with "mine".
And if my Cowboys win I can do (me by myself) whatever I want to "hers"
If you catch my drift.
Last year I had the same Bette with Bey.
My Cowboys shocked gotham and the football world and beat the newly crowned Super Bowl Champion Giants.
It was the same game that the Giants received their Super Bowl rings.
Yeah so um I won.
We won that one. It was a nice way to start the season.
Yes Maria it is. Its a risky risky risky Bette.
Not for the faint of heart.
I know what's riding on this.
She accepted and she'll be watching and so will I.
I would appreciate if you could use your power to "send beauty" to my team.
Oh and by the way this isn't the Bette my uncles are sending me on.
This Bette is completely and totally unrelated.
You should know that in a troubling troubling time for me in my life.
You are my escape. That thing that makes me fly.
That thing makes it all so much more worthwhile.
No Beloved, I'm not getting better.
Um I mean I'm not getting any better at hiding my feelings.
Jennifer once told me that you have to tell her what you want even if she doesn't want to hear it.
That she'll be happy to hear it.
Its like leaving a note under the door when you go away for a long weekend.
A reminder thats says that we are still here, just not today and not tomorrow.
That we'll be back.
And when I return we can go back to being everything I dreamt that you and I were supposed to be.
Something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, Jennifer, Courteney, JLo, Britney and Bey.
Enjoy this freedom while you can.
Once we meet you won't want to put me away.
Thats write! No more keeping me locked up in your computers.
Or hiding me in some deep deep dark place in your hearts.
Oh no your going to have to listen to it all. Watch it all.
Watch it all unfold right before your very very beautiful eyes.
Watch me turn nothing at all into something catastrophic.
Something purely innocent turns into the truth that nobody wants to see or hear.
But then later on after you've all read the fine print at the bottom of the page.
Filled in every blank. Dotted every eye.
Then and only then will you understand what it is that must happen to keep it all in order.
To keep everyone online in line.
No Beloved no, there's no reason to thank me.
Just be there.
Don't run away like every body else does.
Don't run away when people start pointing fingers at each other.
Blaming friends. Sleeping with the enemy.
Don't run when the money starts pouring in.
Falling from the sky and landing right into your greedy greedy little pockets.
I know your listening with a glass to the wall, Maria.
Checking on your loved ones spending habits, JLo.
Writing blank checks, Jennifer.
Using false names to falsify fake documents, Courteney.
Leading your naughty poor little rich girl scandalous double life just to lead another, Bey.
Don't worry I won't tell anyone.
Just stay Beloved stay. Stay with me.
Lets let it all play itself out.
Its not done to hurt anyone.
Its not some sort of malicious attack.
Its all done with good intentions. Done for fun.
Done for money.
Simply put, this target shoots back so don't don't cross me.
Isn't it more challenging to to hunt something that hunts you back, Maria?
They gave me no choice.
They brought the war. I didn't.
All I ever wanted was to be accepted.
All I ever wanted was to be loved too.
Hi. I'm back from the strip club.
I didn't want to go but Jennifer insisted.
Its all about her new movie with her these days.
She frequents strip clubs now because in her latest movie "We're The Millers",
she plays a mother who is a stripper.
She likes to go up on stage, promote the movie and the art form by showing off
her hot hot moves on stage.
Um she's very good at it. Maybe even too good.
I watch for a minute, get up and wave to her as if to say,
"its getting way too hot in here for me I have to go."
Thats when she jumps off the pole and says,
"You can't leave! Where are you going! I'm almost finished! Don't leave!
I thought you were going to tell me what's going on between you, Danielle, and um what's her name,
you know what's her name, um um Alexandra."
Then she says, "You know tell me the truth about what's really going on."
I shout back at her, "Have fun i'll meet you at your place later."
She asked me if i was alright.
Then in the middle of that place with the lasers and colored lights going off and on
she gave me a long long kiss and climbed back on stage to finish her routine.
They crowd went crazy. They were loving what she was doing up there.
So was I and thats why I left.
I didn't want her to stop on account of me.
I didn't think talking about Danielle and Alexandra there was an appropriate place to do it anyway.
I wanted to tell her my idea in private with less loud music.
I wanted to get her opinion of what she thought I should do about what happened.
Maybe even help me even the score.
Dreams. Terrible terrible naughty little dreams...
I just want you to know that what happened the other night won't ever happen again.
Everything was going great until I bumped into Angelina.
Who went on to tell me in no uncertain terms exactly where she wants me to go.
And thats when I turned around and bumped into Bey.
Yes its true.
We did hang out all night long but you were with Charlize anyway.
I'm not sure what you expected me to do.
I waited there and watched you dance with her and her boyfriend over and over again
and didn't say a word.
Bey was by herself again because Jay Z went to play a round of golf with MJ again.
Jay Z asked me if I would keep Bey company. You know the usual help me out bs.
How do you say no to Jay Z?
So I excepted and told him that I would look after her.
In no time she wanted to leave but I told her that we can't do what we used to do when she got bored
at one of these. We can't go to my place. We can't have that kind of a relationship anymore.
No more wrestling. No more being alone in the dark. No more switching.
I told her that since Jay Z and I became partners we had to stop doing what we were doing before.
At the last fundraiser, the one at the Waldorf, we were waiting for Jennifer to get photographed
and she told me she wanted to hang out sometime very very very soon.
I said okay and she said, "Well that was easy."
And I smiled and said, "Yes, yes. Yes it was."
When actually it wasn't. I lied. I was glad Jay Z hired me. I was glad to get the job.
That we didn't have to tell him about what was really going on.
What's happened and what do you want to do about it.
The "Is it mine or his?" conversation that was supposed to be just between us but ended up
being broadcast to the whole world on the Internet.
Jay Z in all of his wisdom inadvertently broke Bey and me up.
Which saved both of us yet another trip to the doctor.
And now I work for him.
When you showed up with Charlize I almost lost it.
Nothing happened with Bey.
We didn't get personal. Just public.
We talked about all of her humanitarian work. Her charitable donations.
The fact that if you don't give to charity that the IRS finds a way to make you pay more.
Thats what they do. Its a business.
Somehow they get to your money.
They use strong arm tactics to make you pay even when you are right.
Simply put, if you give enough they won't come after you.
But enough about that, again what did you expect me to do?
Angelina left me standing there on the dance floor.
I don't even know why she got so upset.
Maybe it was because I told her how great Jennifer looked.
I know I know. It slipped.
What do you want from me? Jennifer shows up with cleavage as her date
and I lose myself in her eyes.
Something you absolutely positively must know.
There will be no going back. Its done.
There's nothing to worry about.
A Truth. Sometimes I go to your website and look at all the photos of you working out.
I know. Its awful. Forgive me. I feel terrible about it.
Yeah um I eat a bowl of Butter Pecan while I'm looking.
I know. Horrible.
Its a guilty pleasure um I mean tradition.
It started after your big win at Indian Wells and it just took off from there.
And now it occurs at least once a week.
I know. Its bad and I'm going to stop.
No seriously. I'm going to stop doing it.
Maria your going to have to figure that one out all by yourself.
I mean I'll keep you in the match but I'm not going to throw it for you.
I'm not going to let you have all the cake and eat it too.
I can't afford it.
You'd never respect me if I did that anyway.
Also you should know that I don't want to run your life.
I don't want a fee. I don't want to be your business manager.
I don't want to be blamed for any big surprises that you couldn't possibly want or need.
Its funny because I do take "No" for an answer.
But isn't saying "Yes" just so much more fun.
Bye girl bye.
Listening to "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd.
If you were here then you could tell me about you new car and how excited you are about it.
Tell me all about Sugarpova, your new training regimen, and so on.
Let me look at you while you sign autograph card after autograph card.
Um so Bey came over last night.
I told her that once again she has to call first.
She said she tried but since my place is a "dead spot" calling sometimes doesn't work.
She likes it here because its a great place for her to hide.
To get away from it all. Lose her identity. Lose all of the signals.
All the day to day bs that she has to go through.
She told me that she is going to come here whenever she pleases.
I told her that we can't have the same relationship that we had before.
That she can't come here at strange hours, raid my fridge, demand sex
and take whatever she wants when she wants it.
"Your going to accommodate me whenever I decide to show up." she said.
Then she said, "I'm not going to call. Nothing has changed.
I take what I need from you whenever I need it from you.
No stone unturned. If you run I will find you."
I said, "You can't hide here. I won't feed you. We can't sit in the dark and "talk" anymore."
Then I said, "No more wrestling just to "pass the time".
That request is totally out of the question now. I'm a changed man.
Thats when she looked at me and said,
"I don't have time for this. Don't make me tell him that I was mistreated here."
Then she said, "I have a tour to finish. You think you got this job on your own?"
She opens her purse and takes out a wad of cash, throws it at me and says,
"I expect to find food here for me when I return.
I expect to see a new bed just in case I have to sleep here.
I don't want to hear about what you can not do.
Hire people to clean this place up and expect me whenever I decide its time for me
to make you feel better about yourself."
I walk her to her car.
She looks at me smiles and says, "Ahhh now thats better. Don't you feel better already?"
She gets into the meanest black car I've ever seen and slowly rumbles off.
Her hot red tail lights disappearing into the night.
I go back inside and look at the ring that Jennifer gave me.
Listen to it to hear her calming voice.
A voice that says, "I will love you if Maria won't.
I'll keep you close to me and let you win it all.
I'll love you more than she ever ever could."
And thats when I hear the meanest sounding car I've ever heard pull up to the house.
Listening to "Hold Me" by Menudo.
I was just thinking about us um having fun at the stables.
We joke around for awhile and thats when we end up putting a saddle on my back.
I start crawling around on all fours while you tell me what to do.
Then you sit on me and take me for a ride.
Whipping me as you do it.
You hit me too hard once and I scream out, "Ow! Take it easy! That hurts!"
You apologize smile at me and say, "Okay now giddy up there, giddy up, lets go giddy up!"
I start whinnying so you feel like your riding a horse.
You even try to feed me hay. Yuck.
We take a break and sit on top of a bail of hay.
You start explaining to me what you like and how you like it, you know how you like things done.
And thats when I show you which part of my anatomy resembles a horse.