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#101 Posted : Wednesday, April 24, 2013 1:54:47 PM(UTC)
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We came back from Target and jumped into the tub. 

Yeah she is fun. 

So anyway, then we watched "The Way We Were".

You know Streisand and Redford showing us how.

Jennifer reminds me of Barbara in a lot of ways.

Its fun watching a heavyweight like Barbara with a heavyweight like Jennifer.

She points out stuff I never ever would have seen in the movie.

Little things they did. Props that meant other things. Secrets.

Gifts the actors gave to each other off camera that they used in the film.

Streisand has a beautiful voice, and so does Jennifer.

I keep telling Jennifer that she should sing.

You know try it again and see what happens.

She just acts like she doesn't hear me.

I say it every once in awhile and she'll belt out something she did in hi school.

It's good. Why not expand on it.

Anyway it got me to thinking about you because every time I see you I see her and vice a versa.

I mean you probably have a good voice too.

I wouldn't mind hearing you sing something one day. 

In private. Lights off. Under the blankets. Miles away from civilization.

So how bout it?




#102 Posted : Wednesday, April 24, 2013 4:40:06 PM(UTC)
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Hi. What make up?

Gwyneth won "Sexiest" again.

What is that now like back to back to back titles for her now?

Figures. Nice armpits too.

So anyway, don't tell Jennifer but...

I voted for you and Britney Spears.

Sneaky write?

Sometimes I like to do stuff and then confess to them what I did or heard right in the middle of us wrestling.

So the next time we wrestle I'll tell her.

I can't wait for you to hear what I am not telling you.

Sorry, no can do Champ.

I'm saving it for a special special occasion.

That walk down the block, holding hands, starry eyed walk to your door.

That awkward will he or will she.

The I'd better go but don't want to leave moment.

Then you calmly say, "Come in. Have a drink."

One thing leads to another and we start wrestling.

So from the get go your on top.

Everything looks good.

I can't break free. Your going to win.

Then with nothing left to lose I tell you something.

I tell you something that your just NOT GOING TO BELIEVE.

Something that will make you pause in disbelief.

Cringe at the thought of it.

This and only this, is when I finally get to meet Maria.


You should have seen the look on Jennifer's face when I told her.

She started speaking Spanish and smacking me in the head.

I said "Ow, don't kill the messenger."

She said, "Why didn't you tell me this before you got me into bed!"

I said, "Because I had to be sure and I figured your bed was the safest place to tell you something like THAT."

She eventually apologized after she got off the phone but the night was ruined.


One night you and I will be walking and talking.

Holding hands after a great final night together.

You leave in the morning. Love tastes bittersweet.

I won't be joining you for the next five months.

The pain of being Mr New York.

We get to your door and you say "Stay" and I say "Okay."

We get settled, undressed, fool around in bed for awhile.

You ask me something about something unrelated.

Then you say, "Come with me. Not to the matches. Just to the hotel?"

I tell you "No."

You start laughing and say, "I know you want to come. Your coming."

And then I say more seriously, "No Maria, I'm not coming."

Then you suddenly jump on top of me.

Holding my hands out away from my body.

This isn't like you. Your not yourself.

You look in to my eyes and you say, "Your coming."

You start fighting me. 

Holding my hands above my head. Biting me on the neck. Tickling me.

Then you whisper in my ear, "Your coming."

And thats when I finally put my foot down and I say,

"Maria, seriously, I'm not coming."

Then I say, "I can't come."

You just look at me.

You lay back down. 

Turn off the TV and the light.

Then you say quietly, "Why? You don't want to come with me? Did I miss something here?"

And I say, "No. Fine, Lets go."

You attack me.

You start dry humping me. Telling me I'm gonna get it, laughing as you do it.

Then I say, "Wait, wait, Maria stop. Stop for a sec."

"Um there's something I have to tell you."

You let me go.

"Um I'm not sure how to tell you so I'm just going to tell you."

I look at you. Beautiful. Eyes wide. Hair a mess. Hanging on my every word.

I say nervously, "But I want you to know that I had nothing to do with it.

I didn't tell you until now because I wanted to be sure and everything.

Um its not that bad. Its happened before.

There are steps you can take to remedy this situation.

Your not alone. If I go you must know about this first.

This isn't about Jennifer...


You just look at me.















#103 Posted : Thursday, April 25, 2013 10:11:42 AM(UTC)
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I'm giving you the finger, LOL.

But seriously it finally dawned on me that you are vulnerable too.

Your not invincible. Your just like the rest of us.

You have your doubts. Your moments of awkward.

That last minute change into something else to feel more like what you think they want to see.

I don't care about that unless you do.

I would never give you any advice but I will say that you should just rewind and play it all over again.

Go back to when you first turned "pro" when you didn't know.

When you just loved to play the game and it loved you back for just playing.

You know that your more than beautiful to me. Sometimes its all a bit overwhelming.

Um Jennifer is on the way over, its sandwich night so Courteney is coming too.

Its nice to get a few minutes to miss you even when I don't want to look.

Again I'm um letting you walk into a room that I don't let anybody into.

I don't know how you got in. You must have picked the lock.

Or I left it open and Jennifer couldn't resist the temptation and walked in to my life.

Which is something she says to me a lot. She's beautiful that way too.

When we meet again you won't want to leave and neither will she.


#104 Posted : Thursday, April 25, 2013 11:13:14 AM(UTC)
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Hi. Porsche um yeah okay.

They made the right choice.

Its very nice and all but WE would much rather have the tennis player.

Who needs a car when you can have a tennis player?

Ambassador suits you. Congratulations.

Oh yeah good news.

Jennifer says I'm getting really good at this wrestling thing.

She says with some more seasoning that we could be a tag team.

She wants to take on big Heidi and Miranda.

She says its all about how you fall you know how you dive.

She says I dive good.

So I'm watching "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" and it got me to thinking

about exotic places to have mind blowing orgasms but then I realized that you've been everywhere already.

It kinda took the wind out of my sales knowing that if we went to most places in the world

that you wouldn't see anything knew.

I don't know. I mean who wants to lead someone around everywhere they go.

Always controlling the action.

Loving someone is about losing control.

If your controlling the person your not loving them.

Your holding them back.

I've been thinking that when you come back we should wrestle.

Don't worry I'll take it easy on you, let you control all of the action.

I'd fight back for like a minute and then do my patented Jennifer dive.

Thats when you take over.

No I'm not giving up. I'm not surrendering.

I'll still win the match.

Jennifer gets tired and eventually I just pin her one-two-three.

And you should hear her grunt. What a racquet.

Sometimes in the heat of the battle she starts talking to me about all kinds of stuff.

Stuff I should have done and stuff that I didn't do.

And God forbid I mention your name, then she really lets me have it.

So anyway after I win yet another match.

Jennifer will say what she really wants to say after I mention your name.

She'll calmly say like it doesn't matter,

"Maria? Hey I've got an idea. Lets watch the National Geographic thing again."

I have a director's cut special edition documentary on lions and she likes to watch it

over and over and over again.

I think she likes the bonding, you know watching them mate.

Its after that that I feel like a meal.

And she's just waiting quietly for that moment to pounce on me.

Sometimes I wonder if your the same way.

Quiet, unassuming, the professionals professional.

Always giving what they want to see.

The great Maria Sharapova.

And all the while standing in front of thousands your really just thinking about one thing.

And I'm not say your promiscuous. 

I'm saying your human.

You sometimes think about things that a woman in todays society just shouldn't be thinking about.

I'm willing to listen to whatever it is thats on your mind.

You know we could even ask Jennifer to sit in too, you know make it a round table discussion.

Look I just want you to know that WE care.

And I think I can speak for Jennifer when I say..

"Fast cars are great. I mean who doesn't love a fast car?

But over a beautiful professional tennis player with big green eyes?

If its one or the other Maria its absolutely positively no contest.




#105 Posted : Thursday, April 25, 2013 5:59:31 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Demi just left. One classy lady.

Look I'm honoring the "time out" agreement. 

I'm not budging. You suck for leaving.

But, I have come to the conclusion that I'm falling for the wrong woman.

And she's not in love with me.

Its when neither one of you is here.

Thats when I have time to decide if all of this should continue.

Maybe its just this whole "time out" business.

Maybe all I need is some more Maria and this whole Jennifer thing will just go away.

Right. Somehow I don't think so.

When I approached Jennifer about the two of us having a "time out" she said,

"Good idea, I'll be right back you want anything?"

I decided against bringing it up again.

We just had yet another talk about when she loses control in public

and how raising her voice won't make anyone do what she wants how she wants it.

And she told me if it bothered me to pull her aside and tell her when I thought she was doing that.

She had just had another episode so I figured that now wasn't the right time.

The problem is is that its never the right time.

We go out. We have fun. I turn around.

And when I look again she's losing control eyes a flame, talking tough, loud,

and just in general being someone else.

So thats when I cut in and kind of pull her away to come look at anything else.

She's angry. Upset at someone. Wants to go back. Settle a score. 

She becomes a crazy person.

Actually she's very very beautiful when she's very very angry.

Its why I stick around. I mean she just lets it all go.

That controlled best actress side hair flip coy smile turns into Godzilla on steroids.

Its an amazing transformation.

So we talk about what happened and eventually she agrees with me.

We don't see the movie.

Instead we go buy ice cream and she goes back to who she is.

So I don't think a "time out" will work. 

She likes me. Follows me around. Wears a mask. Doesn't tell me. Sleeps in my shirt.

I think a "time out" would just you know make her think I don't like her

and I think its the exact opposite.

And I don't take those kind of feelings for granted. I listen to them.

Things were a lot easier before Courteney.

Um I could just do away with anything involving a long term relationship.

Completely shut it down. Change the channel. Cut it off. Be Jennifer Lopez.

I could break up and make up with me in a nights rest. No guilt.

I think its still there for me if I ever get the courage to actually go for it again.

But from what I can tell I'm still not ready to love someone completely.

You know love them unconditionally.

Love them squeezing their pimples.

Love the ugly dress on MY important night.

Love the chatty lesbian girlfriend from overseas.

I mean its not for wanting. I just don't want to get hurt again.

This beautiful demon girl Alexandra still haunts me to this day.

She ruined me for a long long time. It took me awhile to recover.

She's that wound that doesn't close.

Its closed now.

I'll never talk to her again.

I took Jennifer's advice and started looking for someone else who looks like Alexandra.

Which of course is impossible because Alexandra is Alexandra.

Jennifer says I should be glad she didn't say good bye, that she did me a favor.

So anyway, enough about women that don't mean anything to me anymore.

There is more to tell you. 

More that you should know.

Next time.







And its not for 





#106 Posted : Monday, April 29, 2013 1:59:19 PM(UTC)
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Welcome home. We love you.

Listen um I'm under siege here right now.

I've got hunting parties just two clicks from my location.

I stayed away but wasn't planning on staying away for this long.

Um you don't need me.

Your playing great.

Winning when you don't play well.

I'm no good luck charm. Thats you all by yourself out there.

I was just browsing, saw you, and started thinking about it.

Actually I'm still thinking about it.

Look um lets you know keep in touch.

Scratch that. 


Um I'll make sure that we keep waiting for you.


#107 Posted : Monday, April 29, 2013 2:38:10 PM(UTC)
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Hi. You won so I stayed away.

We love you every night Maria.

No matter what.


I'm watching "Crouching Tiger" again.

This time in Mandarin with English subtitles.

I don't know there something about the "Jen" character that I can't do without.

She's beautiful. A great fighter. 

And she's angry and demanding, regal and poor all at the same time.

She got a huge chip on her shoulder.

Simply put, don't mess with me says powerful and to me and thats sexy.

Also this whole movie is about Peking.

Everybody is Peking in on every body else.

The flying scenes remind me of you.

Flying alone in the dark

From one rooftop to another.

Chasing no one and someone.

Searching not find anyone.

Beautifully orchestrated.

And then of course theres all the great great sword fighting.

Imagine you run into Victoria and your good at whatever.

And the first thing she says to you is,

"Who trained you?" 

as if its a compliment and then says that you should train with her and her master.


Look Victoria and I go way way WAY back.

She didn't tell you.


Its to be expected. I was just another notch on her belt anyway.

I just wandered in innocently and she grabbed me for a match.

She has this whole great life thing all mapped out.

Yeah and its a great great plan and all but what if love happens?

What if love suddenly gets in the way?

I used to look at her from time to time.

Smell her brain. Check her laces.

I could tell that she thought I was way WAY too tall.

Not funny enough.

Had on a bad shirt.

Her favorite word the whole date was "good buy".

Its okay. She left and I moved on.

You know this is a great movie.

I like the chemistry between the two main characters.

The two that should have fallen in love and didn't.

I didn't understand why the hero is willing to teach the thief how to fight no matter what.

Yet he is in love with another woman. 

Sounds a lot like the problem I'm having right now.






#108 Posted : Monday, April 29, 2013 5:43:11 PM(UTC)
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Hi. We LOVE you.

Your far away. Home.

Don't worry I won't cry. I never cry.

I don't have anything important to say which means that I have something important to say.

I'm feeling much much better.

Jennifer Jennifered me.

In other words she made it all go away.

All of my Maria pain.

She knows how important you are to me but she just keeps coming.

It evens happens in my dreams..

We are watching a movie.

Your head in my lap.

The phone rings. Its Jennifer.

She asks me "What are you doing?"

I tell her "Nothing."

She's says, "Well I'm nearby. I'm coming."

I say to you, "Can Jennifer come over?"

You say okay as if to say again.

I say to Jennifer, "Okay come over."

Two minutes later the doorbell rings.

I look at you like that was fast.

I jump up.

Throw on clothes to get the door.

You run into the bathroom.

I open the front door.

Its Jennifer AND Courteney.

Both looking particularly um great.

I feel suddenly very very long.

I say "Courteney what a pleasant pleasant surprise."

Jennifer gives me her coat, bites me on the cheek and walks in.

Courteney looks me up and down and slowly walks in.

We settle in the living room.

Kenny Loggins "Celebrate Me Home" playing in the background.

Your the conquering hero so its all about you and your latest (cough) conquest.

While you tell all I'm busy making everybody margaritas.

Courteney walks over to me.

"So what its like?" she says.

"What's what like?" I say.

"Maria? You guys are getting pretty cozy. I mean three whole days together."

I cut her off.

"Are you saying Maria can't commit? 

What is three days some sort of record?"

She says, " Once you decided to tell everyone yeah. Thats usually when Maria tanks."

Then she says, "Maria is a P-L-A-Y-E-R.

When she goes to God knows where to do God knows what where does that leave you?"

I say, "It leaves me behind with a nice nice view." Laughing as I say it.

"And what about Jennifer?" she asks not laughing.

"And what about Jennifer?" I ask.

She says, "Is she going to be your backdoor woman for the duration of your relationship with Maria?"

I look at her like is there something wrong. Something I missed.

I say to her, "Look, what happens between me and Jennifer happens between me and Jennifer."

She says, "No, what happens between you and Jennifer happens to everybody.

Everybody that loves her. Not to mention Jennifer."

I say, "Courteney, I don't know what's up but I'm not here to fight you over Jennifer.

I like Jennifer. 

I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship."

She says, "Then tell her how you really feel about her. Stop hiding behind Maria."

I say, "Courteney, I'm not hiding behind Maria. No offense but I'm not the one thats hiding."

She says, "And what's that supposed to mean?

I say, "Look, lets just forget it. Were here to have a good time right?

I apologize. What I said was out of line."

She says louder, "Don't back out now. Don't run. Tell me. I want to here what you think I'm hiding."

Jennifer walks up smiling.

"So, what are my two favorite people talking about?"

Courteney says, "He's gonna break up with Maria to be with you."

Jennifer looks at me.

I look at Courteney.

You come over to the bar.

You look at us and say "Why is everybody so quiet, what'd I miss?"
















#109 Posted : Tuesday, April 30, 2013 4:13:31 PM(UTC)
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Hi. "Suddenly Last Summer" by The Motels.

We love this song.

Jennifer and I dance to this song a lot.

Slow dancing by candlelight.

She's in my shirt and I'm trying not to fall in.

It takes a lot of control.

She hypnotizes you. Charms you.

She wants you to remember her after she leaves.

Her eyes, her smile, her hair, the body of her curves.

Your the same way.

You take everything with you and leave whoever with whatever they can remember.

You don't turn around.

You don't see them when you leave.

You keep going. Its business when its pleasure.

And then its on to the next battle.

Its not meant to be cold.

Its who you are.

Its who you have to be.

Defiant. Cruel. Unmerciful.

You can't let them touch you.

You can't let them see inside.

You run at the first sign of Mr. Wrong.

Well I don't want to be another whomever whenever you say whatever.

And thats why I'm not waiting for you to tell me that it didn't mean anything.

You know something Maria.

Every time I see you I run to her.

And every time I run to her I see you.

#110 Posted : Tuesday, April 30, 2013 4:21:29 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Thanks for the help.

A wonderful gloriously uplifting experience.

Its been difficult for us to get all the way there.

Its been awhile since we saw it all, felt it all, done the undone.

Um we haven't had a double in eons.

It was good.

And we have you to thank.

Next time its our turn.

We'll make sure that your well taken care of.

Yeah um so thats a nice racquet.

#111 Posted : Wednesday, May 01, 2013 2:46:10 PM(UTC)
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Listening to "November Rain" by Guns and Roses.

Just one more mile to go.

Getting ready.

My cell phone rings. 

Its Jennifer.


Um before I go any further..

Before I forget.

Jennifer told me to ask you if the new Porsche is a STICK?

And are you good at it?

I think she wants to know if you RIDE the CLUTCH or if your a pro at driving too?

Hey don't look at me.

I'm just the messenger.


So anyway.

Back to treadmill.

Three quarters of a mile to go.

As I said before the phone rings, its Jennifer.

She says, "Don't hang up. I know you said not to call no matter what

but this is really really really important.", she's smiling as she says it.

"I think I found our bed. And its HUGE!

Its Italian. It has a beautiful beautiful gigantic head board.

Its has a heavy heavy look to it. Regal. Think Gladiator.

Its great! It has these huge huge sculpted arms that go around the bed.

There are these giant hands joined at the front. Its magnificent looking.

Its more than big enough for what we need it for! And it sleeps ten.

Um you said you would split the cost with me so I'm going to go ahead and get it!

I'm going to have them ship it to my place because its way way WAY too big for your place.

Um this is it. This is our main event bed.

This is where its all going to happen!

As I was waiting for the sales guy to run my card I laid down in it and I almost went to sleep.

I woke up to all these people gathered around me.

So I immediately got up and they asked me what I thought and everything.

They thought it was terrific until they heard the price.

But listen, its sooooo comfortable. I know your going to love it!

When you see this thing your going to think what has she done! And how much did it cost!

Don't worry I got a great deal. They have an installment package!

This way I'll pay one month and then you can get the next one.

I know that we had that long long talk about acting impulsively.

Not communicating and how I  act out instead of just acting.

Um asking you first instead of just doing.

But you told me not to call and I was here and it just spoke to me.

The bed spoke to me.

And no this isn't about um that other problem that I told you about.

No no, I stood there just looking at it.

You know I started thinking about it.

And it just came to me that this was the place to do it.

Um it says all three of us on it.

It says I love you...






#112 Posted : Wednesday, May 01, 2013 4:40:22 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Listening to Duran Duran, "Ordinary World".


I'm looking out into the night sky.

Looking for you in between the stars.

I don't see you. Your not there.

Maybe your driving much too fast. Running.

Odd I still can't see you.

Maybe your hiding right in front of me.

Maybe you don't want to be seen.

Maybe your not just a star anymore.

Maybe your a whole planet.

Well I bet its a beautiful beautiful place.

But more importantly..

(listening to "Is it Love?" by Nadia Ali)

Are you having second thoughts? 

Are you backing out?

I mean does he speak like me?

Think like me? Think like you? Have you in mind?

Do you speak to him Maria when you speak to me?


So my dearest um your not going to tell him?

Well then I guess there must be something your going to tell me instead.

Well don't bother.

Yes. You can tell me anything. Something. Everything. Nothing at all.

Just not now.

Jennifer will be here in no time.


Isn't that what you expect to hear?

For me to throw Jennifer at you every time you break your Promise to me.

Don't forget Maria. And this is important.

I shall and always will be Mr. Wrong.

Right. Enough said.

Spain? I'm already there...



#113 Posted : Thursday, May 02, 2013 12:16:09 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Listening to "Fear".

"Waiting for my Matador to bring me the bad news..."

Yeah um I'm feeling a bit under the weather.

It must be all this rain we've been having.

Nothing to worry about.

I haven't been going to bed with you lately.

I know. I know. Your home.

Um its hard being Mr. Wrong all the time Maria.

But being just Mr. New York wouldn't be enough.

You need more on your menu.

So anyway I'm thinking about you.

Still. All the time. On the prowl. In my dreams. Wide awake.

Um this party is coming together nicely.

There will be like ten of us sleeping here.

I'm the only guy which makes it a little but uncomfortable.

When I asked Jennifer, "Why have it here?"

She said, "Your the guest of honor. Don't be silly you have to come.

And this way you can't back out. Having it here insures that your coming.

I want you next to me." Smiling as she said it.

I just looked at her.

I mean I'm okay with it and all.

Its a nice group of women.

I just figured this was you know a girl thing.

I mean why have a guy there at all?

I mean why don't they want to bond amongst themselves?

Why am I the only guy coming?

She insisted that it wasn't a problem and that she wouldn't go through with it unless I come along for the ride.

Then I said, "What did I do to deserve such an honor?"

She said, "Nothing. We just like having you around."

I just looked at her.

Um I'm trying not to think about it.

Its a party write? I'll just mingle.

Blend in and behave myself.

Ignore the fact that I'm the only one there with a bat.

I do wish that you were coming.

Two heads are better than one.

I mean um I would just listen to you all night.

Lose my identity listening to you talk about your exploits.

You know worship the court you run on.

You know do the guy stuff.

Laughing anyway when your not funny.

Supporting your opinion even if I don't agree with what your saying.

No Maria, seriously, its no trouble.

I do this type of stuff with Jennifer all the time.

She says you have to surround yourself with "your people".

People that you can fall back on.

You save them. They save you.

Everyone lends everyone else a helping hand.

So I was thinking maybe I can pitch my AMF idea.

Get some feedback.

Talk tennis.

You know talk about that big match that you were in.

Yeah just pick a subject and hope that it starts someone else on something else.

Its funny with things the way they are now maybe I can finally be what Courteney says that I am with Jennifer.

Maybe its finally time to stand there and just talk to her.

You know not just pillow talk but the conversations that neither one of us wanted to have before.

I don't know.

I'm still running from roof top to roof top looking for my Maria cure.

An antidote to take away my pain.

Oh yeah, Venus is on the move again. I saw her.

She's very quick despite her illness.

She is so good at what she does isn't she.

So deceptive in her approach.

She goes a little bit to the right just to eventually to go all the way to the left.

She directs you. Keeps you guessing.

Makes you submit.

I saw her hiding too.

It was pouring rain.

She was wearing a hood.

I called out but got no response.

Then out of nowhere she was on top of me.

Thats when she smelled me.

Looked me up and down.

She said, "Why are you here?"

I said, "Maria um she won't have me. I lost her running away from naked Rafa."

Then she said, "So now you see the truth. Now you see me?"

I said, "No. God no. I saw you a long time ago. I just didn't think you wanted anything to do with me."

She said, "So its over now? You don't like her? What did she do?"

I said, "She ate my heart and put my love for her inside a box on the great mountain."

She said smelling me again, "And why is this important to me?"

I said, "Because its in Novak's cave. And he has forbidden me to go there to get it back."

Venus stops and just looks me.

She's looking into my soul.

She touches my chest.

She listens.


Then she says, "What do I get if I help you?"

I said, "My friend (hint hint) will tell you what you want to know.

She'll tell you everything. She will show you how to get what you want.

What you crave."

Then I said, "She is my Master. My champion. I trained under her."

Venus agrees to help me.

But then she says, "If I help you get your heart back.

You belong to me unconditionally. There will be no going back to Maria.

Its finished. Its over.. Agreed?"

I just looked at her.







#114 Posted : Thursday, May 02, 2013 4:13:39 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Listening to "Smooth Operator".

Its pouring here.

An umbrella wouldn't save you.

Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind a "rain delay".

You know, the chair umpire suspends play.

You walk into the room. Your tired. Sweaty. Wet.

I was just waiting there for you to finish so we can get started.

We lay down. We don't talk. We just start.

No we don't go all the way, Porsche.

No actually um I go downstairs to see what there is to eat.

Yeah thats it. Get something to eat.

#115 Posted : Thursday, May 02, 2013 7:50:30 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Listening to "Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac.

So I'm at the Jim.

Riding like my life depended on it on a stationary bike.

You know feeling my inner Lance Armstrong.

The seat riding up my ass for all its worth.

I still can't get over the fact that he did the whole country uphill,

in all kinds of weather, over and over and over again.

I guess he wanted it really really bad.

So anyway I'm riding and Jennifer finally arrives.

You can tell because the place goes from off peek to peek in like a minute.

Suddenly there is traffic. People waiting around.

The music changes. The sky opens.

Something casual and fun turns into something very professional and business like.

Yeah her reach is amazing. All of this change and she is still just in the parking lot.

Okay okay. She sees me.

She's excusing herself to everyone with a camera. She's walking over.

God. She doesn't have to be here.

She's fit fit fit.

As much as she would like the rest of us to believe, she is not like the rest of us.

She's much too beautiful.

So anyway, she's walking up to my bike. Hysterical.

She's not saying hello.

We just kind of nod at each other.

She gets on the bike next to me.

Which is a surprise because I thought she only did yoga and pilates.

Then she asks them to turn down the music.

Then she says to me under her breath, "How's it going?"

I say, "Swell"

She says laughing to herself, "This is going to be good."

I say, "Which is going to be good?"

She says, "Well both"

I say quietly, "Word out of Moscow is that Maria broke up with me

to get back together with her old boyfriend."

She just looked at me.

The she says, "I thought you were breaking up with her to be with me?"

I say, "Courteney said that Jennifer. Not me. I would never go public with something

like that, you know that."

Then she says, "Britney is MY friend! Telling her about us isn't going public..."

I cut her off.

"Look, I don't know what Maria's plans are anymore. She's being quiet.

She's also getting ready for another tournament.

Whatever this is between the three of us isn't worth getting into now."

Then she says, "Wait a sec! Queen Maria has to play so we drop everything because

she's too busy to open up to you so I have to wait for you to tell me what's going on between us!"

Then she said, "I'm not going to wait here for you anymore! YOU HAVE TO RESPECT ME!"

I get her to quiet down.

We step off the bikes.

I say, "Your right I owe you an explanation. So here it is.

Maria won't tell me what's going on until I see her. Thats-not-soon.

We should go ahead with our fun without her.

Go ahead throw the party. I'll come. 

I'll throw her away. Done. Kaput.

The other thing will just have to wait.

Then she says, "We just shelled out fifteen thousand dollars for a bed!

Now your telling me she is not coming! 

I explain to her that, "I didn't say that she was not coming.

I said lets wait and find out what's going on. 

If she wants to get back together with him who are we to say anything?"

Then she says under her breath, "You said this was in the bag.

You said she was coming. We put up with all this BS just to have her not come!

What am I supposed to do with the bed!?!

Then I say calmly, "Jennifer don't worry. I'll talk to her. She'll come.

I promise okay. Everything will be okay.

Just give me some time to find out what she wants to do.

But hey this is exactly what I was trying to tell you before.

You went out and bought this thing without asking me.

I don't know. If Maria doesn't come we'll have to find someone else."

Then she says angrily, "This isn't Wheel of Fortune and I'm not FREE PARKING!

I don't do that with just anyone!

Find someone!?! Who? Tell me who!?!

And not one of your "students" either.

Who are we going to replace Russian tennis superstar Maria Sharapova with!?!


She left. She had another episode and I thought it was better to not continue

there in the Jim in front of everyone. You know it should look a certain way

and I felt that it was not looking the way it needs to look.

She'll apologize later and i'll just say okay you know no problem.

But she is right.

I jumped the gun so to speak and let her go where she really really REALLY wanted to go.

I didn't think the whole thing through.

When she sets her mind on something or someone she is unstoppable.

There is no one quite like her really.

You know, whatever it takes and buy any means necessary.

She is the most beautiful thing in this world.

Like nothing I have ever seen before.

Um this is my fault.

I will find someone else. I think.

We had our hearts set on it being the three of us.

You coming made the whole thing worthwhile.

I hate to see her this way.

Look if you change your mind let me know.

But don't do it for me Maria.

Don't change anything for me.

You and I can work out our differences another time.

Maybe one day you'll be running from them. 

And while I'm running too, we'll run into each other.

Then you can give me what you've been thinking about giving me

and I can finally get a chance to take what's mine.




















#116 Posted : Friday, May 03, 2013 5:35:15 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Um I'm thinking about you.

Anyway its nothing Maria. Nothing at all.

I saw Paris today.

She's looking good. What else is new.

She's really into this new new guy.

I hope she finds in him what she's been looking for.

Her beautiful sister Nicky is off the market too. Go figure.

I'm surprised neither one of them is married.

I'm not sure what the delay is especially when it comes to "invisible" Nicky.

You on the other hand, well thats obvious, way way WAY too many to choose from.

Oh before I forget. And I mean this in a sweet sweet sweet way.

Paris is a liar.

I got Jennifer Lopez in bed to tell her what happened. 

NOT to sleep with her.

We didn't do it.

She was with this hunky model guy. You know the dancing guy.

What would she want from me??

Paris is going to drag this out.

As soon as I can I want to set the record straight. Get to the bottom of all this.

I thought she was busy playing soccer.

I mean why the personal attack? Why get in the middle of the three of us?

I swear Paris blows into town and starts knocking on doors trying to make trouble.

Paris don't worry I won't bring up Donald. I won't blow your Trumpet.

I mean why not just come too? We can make it four.

She's angry and she's trying to stop the whole thing.

I don't know why I mean what about her boyfriend?

Does he even know? 

Do you like him because he can dance like Michael?

Are you gonna name your kid after him now?

Do I have to go any further?

She told you not to talk to me just like my ex Alexandra told my

close dear and personal friend Danielle not to talk to me.

Paris, why don't we ever talk directly to each other?

And I don't need to see another video.

Mail it oversees! I don't play soccer, he does.

Look, just let Jennifer do whatever Jennifer wants to do.

She has something in her mind that she wants to do.

Lets let her see it through. Lets not interfere.

You and I can meet up in the Hamptons.

Talk things out. 

There is no need for you to get caught up in all of this.

Unless you want in.

And yes that can be arranged.


As for you Maria. 

I've been trying to reach you all day.

My "package" won't get there unless I make some specific special modifications to it.

Um it stops once it reaches Portugal.

What do you think? Should I do this?

I don't know it makes me think of the great great GREAT Andre Agassi.

He was known for his great return of serve um his extremely large gigantic oversized racquet.

So I was thinking more might be better. 

Do me a favor, look at the picture again and tell me what you think.

The procedure will be expensive. A long recovery. Several months. Rehab.

I don't know its the whole dating the athlete and the Greek goddess thing.

Um its making me feel insecure about my stuff um my my thingy.

So look, be a dear and get back to me as soon as you can.

I mean why not go ahead and get it done now while your in Spain.

This way when you get here I'll be ready. 

Jennifer said she would split the cost with me.

Imagine. An ocean. Both of you have on new shoes.

I swoop in, unzip, and we don't ruin the shoes.

You see its something worth doing.

Anyway let me know. 

And try to give me some numbers.

You know just lengths, widths, kilos, and miles. 

Also um you know go a HEAD, indulge in Spain.

Have fun again. No strings. 

Tell me what you want me to do.

Your always in my heart.

Good luck. We love you.

We love you. We love you.














#117 Posted : Friday, May 03, 2013 11:10:43 PM(UTC)
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Hi. A love letter.

I want to see you tonight. I hate Spain.

By the time this is over I'm going to hate every stop on the tour.

Anyway your more beautiful to me with every passing moment.

I want you to do well.

Not be distracted.

So I'm going to run away for awhile.

Look at you and not say anything.

Who knows you may even miss me.

I can't wait to get you somewhere alone so we can be lonely together.

Where we can find the feelings we are hiding about each other.

Where we can shut out the world, be hungry, and just feed each other to each other.

Anyway its just a thought.

Have fun.

I'll be around.

#118 Posted : Sunday, May 05, 2013 9:10:37 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Your asleep.

Resting up for your big opening match.

Jennifer's here. She went to the store.

Um Its TV night.

We just finished watching Women's wrestling.

I know. Its not my thing either.

Jennifer insists that we watch it so we watch it.

Um next.. we are going to watch..

Oh here it is.. um the latest installment of "Trump Humps-Unfinished Business, volume II".

Yeah in this episode Trump humps every tenant in every apartment that owes him back rent.

Its the celebrity edition. Very very hard to find. 

Yeah and there are all kinds of big names in this one.

It includes all of the fired people from the "Apprentice" series.

So anyway Jennifer is excited to see it because she made a movie

at Trumps Taj Mahal hotel in Atlantic City.

At the time it was the largest hotel in the world.

She made her "Bounty Hunter" movie there with another very good actor, Gerard Butler.

I saw the last installment, "Trump Humps Everything That Moves, volume III"

This was a wonderful wonderful movie. Well done. Thought out. Well written.

It wasn't this usually scripted stuff. It was actually shot as a documentary.

Its him day to day in real life situations you know um humping everything in sight.

Yeah its him at his dastardly J.R. Ewing best. 

No desk unturned, get out of my office, where's my check ranting and raving

which then eventually ends with well, humping.

Which he does extremely well throughout the documentary.

This film shows him in a completely different light. It really does.

The camera work isn't great but his performance makes the movie move.

I was impressed with the whole thing.

Its stallion type stuff.

He goes through entire floors of people.

He doesn't miss anyone.

Brute strength. Stamina. He has it all.

There's a great scene where he drives from one meeting to another in a hot red lamborghini in rush hour traffic. 

He's weaving through traffic driving like a mad man. Possessed. 

What i liked was that it showed him at work. Where he lives. 

He's driven. Every minute counts. Every deal done.

And in between the deals he makes other deals which include well for lack of better term "humping".

Its a great great look at him refusing to slow down. He has no clock.

Um they show us everything. His focus. His determination.

His billionaire.

Yeah its quite a show so I'm really looking forward to this one.

I just wanted to check in with you before we check it all out.


Maria um you know what I want to say and thats why I'm not going to say it.

Good luck tomorrow.

Always always in my heart.




#119 Posted : Tuesday, May 07, 2013 3:27:44 PM(UTC)
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Hi. At the tanning salon.

Its a madhouse here.

Every Jennifer clone in the valley decided to get the Jennifer upgrade on the same day.

Won't these women realize that no matter what shade, what haircut, what makeup

that they will never ever EVER get to Jennifer.

You can't bottle it. You can't but it. You can't copy it.

It doesn't grow on trees.

She has something that nobody on the planet has and something that every body wants but can't get.

Yeah. We should.

So anyway, I'm here..

Hold on a sec.

Okay she's here somewhere. I have to run.

I can't wait until the day that I don't have to run away from you

or call you just to be near you.

Speak to you later um I need an exit. Don't you?

#120 Posted : Tuesday, May 07, 2013 3:44:12 PM(UTC)
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Hi. Listening to Danielle again.


Maria save me. Forget it.

Don't save me.

Stay away. Turn around. Run. Don't look back.

Go and play. Play it back in your HEAD. Rewind it all.

What a mess.

"There will be no going back."

Your always with me Maria.

No matter what.


It was raining the other night.

I was waiting on the corner for my ride.

My car parked across the street.

I didn't know who it would be.

I didn't know how many.

I didn't know if you would come back.

Your sweet still on me.

You kiss still on me.

Through the rain drops I see our time spent together.

I see you with me and she.

She's wearing a mask and an apron.

The mask tied around her dirty blonde hair. Heels.

You don't need to use your eyes to see that she is beautiful.

She's with us.

Smiling as she does it.

A black car turns the corner.

It slows to a stop in front of me.

Like you the windows tinted so I can't see inside.

The driver gets out opens his umbrella.

He looks me up and down.

He opens the door and says angrily, "Get in".

I peer inside.

Its not you.

Its not who I've been waiting for.

Its not you...





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