Are you this pretty all the time?
You even look good sweaty.
I know your just like the rest of us and you have to work at it.
Yet another politically correct coached response.
Are you this way when your in love two?
Do you script your responses?
If I think she will want something special from me
a feeling, a gesture, or a response.
I try to fulfill her request.
Drama goes a long long way when it comes to romance.
Its not acting because it doesn't last long enough.
Lying can be extremely beneficial if done properly and not with
I lie for love. Its true.
Um I have to go now.
I'll write again later if you want me two.
Jennifer will be here all night tonight.
Yet another late late session.
Its been awhile.
I am behind in my work. Her unforgiving work.
She is going to be upset.
I have to explain to her what or whom my latest distraction is.
I was thinking about "meating up" with Jennifer,
but I can't get away write now.
I'm still way two far behind with my research.
Furthermore I don't need that kind of a "hot chick crash".
She'll love me and leave me in the same weekend.
After sleeping with someone like her where am i supposed to go?
Beyonce? Britney? Courteney?
No seriously. I want something with a woman like that that I can still walk away from.
I don't have a problem with strings being attached.
I just don't want them tied together.
I'm not old fashioned. I'm just being the knew me.
Yeah fine. Okay. I'll right again.
Number two sounds very very good in your case but number won
would be a whole lot better.
So get going.
You have no idea what its been like since we met.
I was thinking.
I know its not good.
But listen, when we are done with all of the politics of Maria.
I thought we could take advantage of the free time you have and
explore something much much more interesting.
Something that you have never ever EVER seen before.
Luckily this never seen before I happen to have in abundance.
A huge HUGE quantity at my disposal.
To celebrate the break up with you know who-
we should do what Jennifer and I did over and over again.
Um we got them all together.
She picked ten that looked good to her.
And we began researching each one, one at a time.
The most important rules of the game are...
1. We can't react.
2. We can't smile.
3. We can't touch each other.
4. We can't laugh.
5. No closeness what so ever.
And most importantly rule number six-
absolutely, positively, NO TALKING.
It was a lot of fun.
I won of course. She was easy.
After what seemed like days I was totally exhausted.
We slept for like three days straight.
People kept interrupting.
She got so upset.
I had no idea she was in such high demand at all hours of the night.
No wonder celebrities complain so much about privacy.
So anyway we would take breaks.
Eat something. Get going again. Sleep again.
Take a walk. Research some more. Take showers.
Then pick ten more but this time we added a special twist to the game.
We picked blindfolded.
It was tricky.
We spread them all over the floor and picked five a piece blindfolded.
She enjoyed this part a lot.
So anyway, um I think you would find this interesting.
Its something worth doing and I don't mind sharing my vast vast experiences with you.
Its fun. Hypnotic. Over sized. Pungent.
All for one and all for one. Ice cream.
This idea to bring you into the fold dawned on me in a butter milk bath late late last night.
Bey and Shakira agreed with my new choice so this is why I'm inviting you in.
Now there are nine of us.
I will miss Jennifer she was a fun fun player to play against.
Bey is buy far the best player hands down.
I remember this girl.
Um we'll call her GPS.
She was pretty. I liked her.
She was a fun girl. Popular.
Lots of friends. Eye liner.
They would shout her name from a block away.
She had a lot of boyfriend boyfriends.
Almost the whole band just not me.
Anyway, one day we went to a fancy fancy restaurant called "Jams".
A British friend of mine owned the place.
GPS was there. I noticed. She didn't.
While we were there a famous comedian icon showed up.
It was like a gigantic elephant walking into the room
GPS couldn't stop tracking him.
And got mad at me when I didn't sweat him enough.
Its funny even when it came to someone she didn't know
I was still the last slice of pizza in the box.
The slice that nobody eats or wants.
I wasn't invited to her birthday party.
But thats okay..
Always beginning at the end..
Are you ready for yet another true story?
Okay here goes...
I remember being at boarding school.
I skipped eighth grade so I was younger than everyone else.
I was thirteen. All of the other freshman were sixteen.
It was what it was.
So anyway, one day I was in the place that I was always afraid to go to.
The boys shower.
While showering my friend Ferdinand showed up.
He was naked except for his towel.
His arms crossed in front of him as usual.
He said hi.
I did my usual "hey" turn around and don't drop anything hello.
So he started showering and I was just about to grab my stuff and leave
when he said, "Don't leave. I want to tell you something".
I looked at him soapy and naked and thought to myself he's not,
so this is probably about my relationship with some of the senior girls.
So he moved closer to me. He leaned in. Naked and wet.
His shower still running.
He motioned to me as to keep quiet by putting a finger over his mouth.
Then he slowly unfolded his arms from his body.
Um he had something about him that I had never seen before.
He said, "Don't you want to touch them?"
And I said "Um, what happened?"
He told me he's had this condition since birth and that he
has never shown them to anyone before. He was seventeen.
I tried not to panic.
He was looking for something from me.
Some sort of approval, I think.
I asked him, "How do you shower and nobody on the team sees you?"
He explained that he just acts like he's cold and nobody suspects anything.
When we would play five on five in practice-
he was never "skins", he was always "shirts".
He never took his shirt off.
I just looked at him.
And then he asked me again.
"Do you want to touch them?"
I could see that he wanted to know if telling me this was the right decision.
It was suddenly my burden too.
I told him that we need to keep this quiet.
I tried to be a friend. I even thanked him for sharing this with me.
I mean my God what a secret.
I finally gave in and touched them. He insisted.
I admit it, I wanted to make sure this wasn't a prank.
That this was real.
That he had this condition.
He told me he would rap and ace bandage around them
under his shirts as to conceal them.
Um I was pretty nice considering the fact that I was thirteen,
trying to fit in, hated being in the boys locker room, and scared that we could be discovered.
Me and him with his condition.
I told him that he should never show this to the "guys".
He wasn't happy with this plan.
He wanted it to come out.
And he decided that i should be the one to bring this to the attention
to anyone who would listen.
He didn't want fame. He wanted famous.
He wanted to be more than just popular.
And I guess why not tell the kid that everyone picked on
or the kid that everybody loved for being just too cute.
I was both.
The seniors loved me and the freshman hated me for it.
We agreed to keep this quiet.
He went his way and I went into therapy.
We hardly spoke the rest of the year.
I would see him in the hall or at class and he would say
"hi" as if nothing happened.
He did exactly what we agreed on.
It never came out.
I didn't have to protect him.
Sometimes I wonder if I hurt his feelings by not being more
interested in his secret.
Sometimes I wonder if he liked me liked me.
I love women.
Always willing to go to great lengths to get a woman to like me.
Spare no expense. Change my voice. My lifestyle. Hide. Leave.
Ferdinand was a nice kid. A good team mate. A friend.
Those kids would have eaten him alive.
Teased him to know end. Trust me I know.
Sometimes at night, not alone in my bed, I wonder if he
ever told anyone else and what the reaction was.
Hopefully he found that friend. That trust.
I'll right again.
Hi. Your getting ready to play.
And I don't want to interfere with your training.
**SO PLEASE READ THIS AFTER THE MATCH**
I watched "The Devil Wears Prada" yesterday for the billionth time.
Love Annie Hathaway. She's the new Winnie the Pooh these days.
Its a great movie too but its two bad that...
Her boyfriend is happy when she quits the great great job
and unhappy when she keeps the great great job.
He was not only disrespectful but he shows absolutely no interest in her career.
I also don't like the fact that at the end of the movie that she walks out on the job
just to walk back to him as if he was the last guy alive.
Its this kind of narrow minded thinking that throws us all back to the stone age.
I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud today.
There is nothing to read into it or anything.
I'm not passing judgement on you.
I was just seeing if you were available.
So I guess your still knot.
Well I gotta go.
You know who is coming so I don't have to say it.
I'm uncomfortable with even thinking it.
As soon as Bey finally leaves I'll right again.
There is something that I want to say but i can't say it.
I look at your picture every day. Your always on my mind.
I don't have time for this and you certainly don't either.
I'm going to consult a close personal "friend" about this.
Sometimes asking around helps and she has more experience with this than I do.
She'll know what I should do?
So.. i'll talk to you later later.
I'd rather see you win but if you lose don't forget to learn from it.
Bye Maria. Buy.
I changed my mind.
I'm not going to ask anyone anything.
I'm gonna walk Bey out.
I'll be back after Jennifer finishes up.
After speaking with Bey I was left with quite an impression of Jay Z.
She's madly in love with him.
I had always respected Jay Z anyway but after hearing Bey gush-
heck I'd sleep with him two.
So anyway um I like seeing you anywhere and everywhere.
Its so nice to see someone so happy all of the time.
Write now i am not in that category.
Write now I want Jennifer to relax and just let me do my job. Her work.
Not always be on top of me.
Breathing down my neck.
She is so close to me all the time.
She gives me absolutely no space.
No I can't believe it either.
You know what drives me crazy.
Long good byes.
Here is a typical good bye with Jennifer.
I'd say something like-
"Okay great so I'll have that for you next week."
Then she changes what she wants.
Clutching my arm while she expresses how important
it all is for her and how happy she is with this arrangement.
Then i say, "Okay great so I'll see you next week."
Eventually she says okay.
I help her with her coat.
She makes a call to outside and we wait and chat at the door.
She stands in the way of the doorknob so I can't open it.
So I have no choice but to listen to anything that she might want to say.
Um she stands very very close to me.
Write in front of me.
I can smell see everything.
She's a beautiful woman.
Its all good up until she gets to the part where she says,
"I go out there on the weekends um you should come,
you know, stay with me. I have plenty of room for you.
Its not a problem, we could go together. I'd pick you up."
Thats when you come in.
I calmly, respectfully, patiently, gracefully..
tell her that I have to check in with you first.
She usually just looks at me.
Its funny because I was so in love with her until she got married.
I would have done I don't know what to be with her much less invited
to her compound.
This time she got really really upset.
She starting telling me loudly quietly that I am a big boy
and that I don't need to get permission!
There was something about, "How do you date someone who isn't here!"
Then she went into the "I know you" department.
"I know what's best for you."
"I know where IT is."
"I know your just hiding behind HER as to not be with ME!"
You know while she was letting me have IT over and over again,
I realized just how remarkably beautiful she really is.
Its amazing that something like this would end up being
so crucial. So vital to her, whatever.
We sat back down again.
I told her that you were terrific.
I told her you were willing to go along with it, help out,
join us when you didn't have a match or a tournament.
She just looked at me.
Hi. Just got back in from the Dixie Chicks store.
They have it all.
In fact I even bought you a present.
Its a designer Busy Phillips autographed-pink and white v-neck t-shirt.
It says "DO NOT HUMP" on the the front and "NO EXIT" on the back.
Yeah its really out of sight!
Big Courteney told me about it so I rushed out
to get my favorite superstar Russian tennis pro one.
I heard that they suspended play so your waiting around again.
Hopefully you can still get it all in.
Its so much better for everyone when everyone is playing when they are scheduled to play.
Much better tennis to watch and less risk of injury.
I figured you were bored so I thought I would say hi.
Um maybe after Zoe FINALLY leaves we can talk more about you know who
and what we should do about it.
I was thinking a gift.
I could just give her something that she could never ever get her hands on.
Something so unique that she would have to be more agreeable.
She told me she didn't think you and I should be together.
That we clash.
That I don't understand what it would be like to be with someone like you.
I told her we weren't together yet.
I told her you gave me absolutely no yes to any suggestion that I had made about anything
involving us being together.
Then she said, "Then why are you so into her?"
I said I am not into you but that i am into you for other personal and private reasons.
Then she said, "I don't understand why you can't just tell me what's going on,
why do I have to find out through other people what's going on?
Do I have to call her to find out what's going on?"
I said, "No, you don't have to call her and like you she is also very much in demand.
Busy making her living. You and I can sort this out.
We don't need to include her in all of this."
I like Jennifer a lot.
Um maybe even too much.
She showed me things about myself that I didn't even know existed.
She opened my eyes to so many different things about life and how its all done.
That's when I fell for her. HARD.
I remember waiting up till she was finished shooting to meet up with her.
We would walk around late late at night.
Just near her place though not far.
Um I don't want to say too much but i will say that I learned a lot.
I would never say this to her though.
She would brush it all aside as If I knew all about it anyway.
At the time she was in yet another relationship so nothing happened.
I would stay over and nothing would happen.
Well except for what I told you before.
I was like this non person that she befriended because she
wanted someone to talk to that wasn't in the business.
She didn't know my background and I didn't mention it because I never do.
Since she was like this with me I didn't think for an instant that she would ask me about you.
Um I think I can handle it.
I think I can handle her without getting you involved.
I just need to know whatever this is between us matters to you.
Because if it doesn't I need to know.
Um if you don't know what I'm talking about grunt twice.
God. Can you believe that I still have more work to do for her.
And she wants it by Sunday night!
As beautiful as she is I still don't see us being together again.
I would hate to make the mistake of being with her and seeing you
underneath me just because she hurt my feelings about something unrelated.
I mean thats how this whole thing started.
I saw someone that looked like her and she saw it too.
Anyway its nothing.
Nothing for you to worry about.
Um forget about all of this.
Forget about me and Jen and everything.
Keep playing. Enjoy it. Feel good about it.
Love finds a way.
Um somehow against all odds,
against everything that we are taught to believe,
love finds a way.
Buy girl. Bye.
I'm watching Jennifer.
Its a movie where she plays a cop.
She's great in these types of movies.
She has street smarts written all over her.
She makes being a policewoman sexy.
There is a scene in the movie about people smelling people.
That people give off a brain scent and somehow your brain
smells their brain and that somehow you are linked to that person.
Its kind of romantic in a way.
And to think I thought it was just you being sweaty all the time.
Dirty all the time.
With me all the time.
Um I won't keep you.
I know your getting ready to face Elena.
A friend. A colleague.
It should be a good match.
Your going to have to play your best tennis to beat her.
Then maybe afterwards you and I can have a match
of our own if your not too tired.
I know I know. You don't play guys.
And I wouldn't want to see you lose to me in anything anyway.
I know you like being in control because this way no one controls you.
And losing to me would mean you would be losing control.
So we shouldn't play each other.
The same thing happened with Bey.
She came over and we played poker.
She is a good player and all but she lost hand after hand after hand.
And she wanted to win.
Um like you she's kind of a sore loser.
She got really quiet afterwards.
I was like, "It wasn't you, you played good,
it was just the luck of the draw and I got lucky."
Then I let her whip me at checkers.
I was red. She was black.
I had her on the run but missed a move on purpose.
Thats when the game turned and she starting giving me the business.
I didn't mind. I let her win.
She has a great great smile.
Its amazing what happens when you let people win.
Let them come out on top.
You win so much more when you lose to certain people.
I remember one time wrestling with Jennifer.
We would play fight a lot.
Match after grueling match.
She would put me in her famous leg lock.
She was strong that way. Fearless.
So while struggling to break free I would tell her
wait don't forget I hurt whatever so not so hard.
Then I'd let her win and we would just sit there,
drink water, and discuss her latest victory.
She would say something like "I told you I was the champ."
And I would say, "What do you expect? I'm injured. Defenseless."
Then I'd say, "One more time-double or nothing-winner stays on top all night long."
Then we would go at it again.
She would gain the upper hand quickly.
Her eyes fixed on my every move.
Circling. Stalking. Moving in for the kill.
Then she would suddenly attack.
I would fall with her on top of me.
Her talking to me all about it as we fell down to the carpet.
She would get on top.
Her hair in my face, in my mouth.
I could feel how much she liked me.
Sometimes by accident we would meet in the middle.
Her crotch would meet mine.
I couldn't tell if were wrestling or just moving around on the carpet.
It was raw. Intense. Wild and untamed.
Our jeans would rub together back and forth and back and forth.
She was using all of her strength to pin me
and when she couldn't she was trying to make me laugh.
I was aroused again. She must have felt it.
But she didn't say anything.
I bet if your were listening outside you would have heard us laughing,
grunting, and cursing at each other.
Our legs always seemed to be tangled together.
She was always on top of me.
Her chest in my face. Her mouth on my neck.
Talking to me in my ear about stuff unrelated to what was happening at that moment.
Taking out all kinds of frustrations out on me.
Dishing out punishment while I tried to break free.
Yeah she was a good wrestler.
She enjoyed dominated me.
Sometimes I wondered if she would invite me over just to do this over and over again.
I didn't mind. She was great. A gracious host.
Anything I wanted.
I miss those nights. We don't do this anymore.
Not since she got married anyway.
So um maybe if your up to it we could have a match.
No. Not me silly.
As I said before I don't want you to lose to me in anything.
But if not me then who.
Um let me make a few calls.
I'll get back to you.
But until then practice your wrestling moves.
Your gonna need them.
Hi its me.
Jennifer is coming over again.
And to think its not Sunday yet.
Hopefully this meeting will be better than the last one.
I'm hoping for the creative Jennifer not the destructive one.
As beautiful and bright as she is she is also vindictive, angry, and controlling.
She demands a lot of attention and doesn't take no for an answer.
She's nothing like you at all.
Also Britney Spears is off the market again. Already.
I know me too.
Just when I was getting comfortable with her being single and everything,
she goes and gets all official and announces her whatever for some new
guy she just met last week at AppleBee's.
I mean I didn't even get a chance to give her her stuff back.
Um don't get me wrong I'm happy she's happy but we had an arrangement.
They called me.
It wasn't like i was asking for a hand out or anything.
She said "I want to get more involved in whatever this is."
I said, "Fine. When do you want to start?"
She said, "As soon as I finish up with a few things."
Then she said, "Don't leave without me, I want front row center."
I said okay let me check with the others.
She had good references.
Had a general idea of what she wanted and what she was looking for.
Britney is actually very bright. Savvy. A business woman.
Most people think she's a Barbie doll but actually she's much more like you.
Her brand sells itself.
So anyway, she said she was going to come take a look and that Jennifer would
oversee what she chose or whatever.
Both ladies have different needs but both want the same design.
The same makeup.
Britney is very cheery now-a-days nothing like Jennifer.
I think its because Jennifer is constantly bombarded with all kinds of stuff.
Her phone never stops ringing.
She goes to check her messages and all you can do is wait and wait and wait.
What some of these guys go through to be with some of these superstar gals.
As beautiful as they are are they worth it?
From what I can tell... Yes they are.
But the sacrifice is immense.
You give them your soul and you just have to hope they don't get bored with you.
You know all of this so why am I explaining this to you for.
You don't need my permission.
Go ahead. Go out with him.
See if he is anything like me.
There is no one on Earth quite like me.
I am the Alien.
The forgotten Son.
Alone, haunted, hungry, and hunted.
Waiting here on this planet for my friends to pick me up.
Its a tragic tale with no end in sight.
They make it up as they go along.
They see what they want to see when they want to see it,
even if they can't see anything at all.
I've been running from them for over three years now.
Luckily in the midst of it all I bumped into you.
Don't worry I'm not asking you for help.
Jennifer explained it all to me.
She told me why I shouldn't ask for anything.
Good luck tomorrow.
Um I never stop cheering for you.
Don't forget that, I don't have to see you to see you.
You are always in my mind.
I'll right again.
I just heard that Jennifer is going to change her name.
A name thats she has built all the way from scratch.
A name she has used since her lean green days in Sherman Oaks.
I say beautiful beautiful Jennifer-get a grip.
Her father, a great actor in his own write must be in awe
with some of Jennifer's choices.
It doesn't make a difference what name she changes it to.
She could change it to Lopez and nobody would say a thing.
Its just that her last name won't be Aniston anymore.
A name that will be heard for generations to come.
I read this news and immediately ordered a double.
This isn't about him.
Jennifer is having some sort of chemical imbalance.
She's morphed into a crazy person.
She's running around town looking for God-knows-what
trying to justify her love for him, when all the while she's
just not sure what she really wants to do.
I don't know.
Her career is still lives on top.
They want to make a "Friends" redux.
If it continues to go like this I think they should rename the show-
"Do we really REALLY have to continue to be friends?"
I love her but she is in crisis panic addiction mode right now.
She wants stability and celebrity but can't figure out how to go about it.
Changing her name?!?
Poor girl is going completely insane.
Since she lost her beloved Norman its been just the craziest of stuff.
The prettiest woman in the world, known to millions the world over,
and yet she still can't cope with this loss.
Well I for one am pulling for her.
She's someone I didn't watch but didn't have to.
I have to admit when I first saw "Friends" I didn't notice her.
I only saw Courteney who looks just like Demi.
It was a reflex choice.
Honestly I didn't recognize Jennifer until she started making movies.
Yes I was hiding under a huge huge um rock.
Your right I was the only Alien on the planet who didn't know who Rachel was.
So I'm not one to start pointing fingers but still... Must we change the name??
Do we have to go THAT far with the whole new life idea.
And to think I thought only men could have a mid life crisis.
Jennifer is like twenty. Why panic now?
Hopefully this shotgun wedding will finally go off without a hitch.
I'd walk her down the aisle myself but obviously the Best Man for
the job is her Daddy, the F.O.B. (Father of the Bride).
Traditional conservative beach-heck why not just do it at I-Hop.
All the pancakes and sausage you can eat and just have the wedding as a bonus.
Changing her name!?!
Sorry I just had to get this out.
She's way too pretty for all of this. This mess.
She needs a timeout.
A fresh perspective. Therapy.
Spa-ness. Several moments of clarity to clear things up.
He's a good man. Has a good first name.
Its a good fit for her. Justin works.
Hopefully she can get it all back together again.
All of it just wouldn't be the same without Jennifer.
Um enough about Jennifer.
Good luck in the next round.
Sorry these posts are out of order.
i've been busy filling orders for Bey, Britney, Caroline, Venus, yourself,
and of course Jennifer.
Its so hard to fill Jennifer's orders because the first question that always comes up is-
Buy Girl. Bye.
No not on death's door yet.
But I feel like death warmed over.
Sneezing, body aches, the whole deal.
One of the many perks of living in the cold cold northeast.
Of course I get a cold two days after the first day of Spring.
Boo-who what's an Alien to do?
I hear your playing well.
Getting to all the balls.
I miss watching you play.
i have to admit I didn't recognize you at first.
Elena. Elena Dementieva.
She was my favorite player on the tour for a long long time.
She was always there at the end but didn't win as much as I wanted her to.
It really shows you just how hard it is to win.
She was a players player just like yourself.
Well liked on the tour.
Yet another great Russian talent to watch.
She married a hockey player I think.
Very very pretty and no I'm not talking about the hockey player.
Then she suddenly picked up and left the sport.
I think the injuries finally took their toll and she had had enough.
It was too bad Elena was a good player.
Then you walked in.
And the rest is history.
Hopefully you can keep doing the right things off the court.
Continue to play at a high level.
Your not a spring chicken anymore Maria.
Soon it will be time to, do i dare say it, think about life after tennis.
I shudder to even think about not seeing you on Centre Court at Wimbledon.
Not hearing the catcalls serenade you at the US Open.
The showering of support from all the great French fans at the French Open.
Or the rumble of the crowd down under in Australia.
I saw you at the rings.
So proud. Elegant.
It was hard not to separate you from the rest of your team watching you carrying the flag.
Carrying your countries colors into battle.
It was a sign that the cold war had ended.
That a girl from another country could prosper here and win.
Then go back home and do it all again for her own people.
I didn't see you win the silver.
I just heard about it.
If you close your eyes you can make the journey.
You can be there with them.
Feel their heart beat. Feel their excitement.
Feel their triumph.
Um I can't say how. Its tricky.
You made them all back home so proud.
Hopefully you'll hang around long enough to do it all one more time.
If you do. I'll actually watch this time.
Like the Williams sisters before you you carried the sport of Women's tennis
to another level.
Lets hope your play. Your grace. Your legacy.
Makes it better for the next generation of players to come.
You took it upon yourself to be held accountable.
You embraced the sport and everything that comes with being an ambassador
to the game.
Retirement is still far away. No need to panic like Jennifer LOL.
You can leave the game on your terms.
Leave it with your head held high.
As far as I'm concerned you've been number one for a long long time now.
Hi. You fly.
Inbox? Log out?
What kind of site is this?
At the train station again.
Jennifer cancelled our Sunday night meeting and changed it to Monday morning.
Thats all fine for a world class athlete but not fine for me on short notice.
She likes the off peek hours.
Those last minute do or die red eye flights that don't get logged into the log book.
These sudden three o'clock in the morning secret rendezvous.
Um I have to admit this cloak and dagger stuff is interesting and sneeking
around with Jennifer does have its advantages.
She smells great. She gets everything. Everybody loves her.
Not to say she doesn't pay up the wazoo but being so recognizable
does have its advantages.
We don't meat any problems.
Like being with you people are friendly. Happy to see her.
Even the biggest city in the world on a cold cold day gets a little bit smaller
and a whole lot warmer at the sight of Jennifer.
I think one day you two should meet anyway.
That way I don't have to explain anything.
Obviously you don't need me tagging along to discuss what's what.
Yesterday I thought I saw Nicole Ritchie again at Gray's Papaya.
Hot but she looks like she could use at the three hot dogs.
Its so hard to recognize these people now with so many decoys running around.
Its funny who you think you might have seen hanging around-
some of the most unscrupulous places.
Hanging around places where they aren't supposed to be.
Its a great way to mask your scent. Your whereabouts.
Camouflage all of your comings and goings.
Its a great way to have a lover that doesn't cheat.
A friendship with an enemy or a good girl that
just wants to be a bad bad girl.
I'll be watching...
Bey just left thank God.
She's just way way too much.
Um Maria dumped me.
She's not interested.
Something about Novak again.
I said okay.
It was actually refreshing to get a straight answer for a change.
She said, "Lets just be friends."
I said, "No problem."
So I guess its back to you and me again.
Um I got your messages.
Look, lets be adults about this.
I know thats asking a lot.
But I think its time for us to move in a different direction.
First of all lets try not to get hysterical.
Instead of the usual "I hate you answer the phone.."
Lets change it to "Call me back."
When you come over lets try a different approach with EVERYTHING.
I am willing to change.
If there are things that I do that you don't like, i'll change it.
I'll make it a priority.
I want you to be happy.
There is something I've been wanting to ask you but didn't get the chance
because you were always in such a hurry to get on with it.
When it comes to getting to know someone, someone you like and have been intimate with-
do you just put sex on the menu or do you actually order it?
I mean do you make time for it?
Is it something worthwhile for you or are just doing it because HE wants to do it?
Inquiring minds like me want to know.
I need to know if you enjoy being with someone and if that carries over into other
parts of your life um into the other parts that make you as beautiful as you are.
Are you happiest when you are in more than a casual relationship?
I don't need an answer to my question now.
Why don't we make this a thing instead of just a some-thing.
Don't get me wrong I'm not happy that Maria dumped me.
Maybe I wasn't funny enough.
Maybe I didn't dance well enough.
Maybe she was just using me to get to someone else.
Its so hard to tell these days.
I mean I don't want to have to check.
Check into her whereabouts and check to see if she is being faithful.
Hire some sleazoid to follow her around so I can feel more secure about our relationship.
Sex is a private matter.
It doesn't have to happen every night but it should be thought about,
and thought of as something worthwhile to do.
Maria wanted absolutely positively nothing to do with this.
She wanted something less because she would be out of town a lot and wanted her
freedom to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted to do it.
I told her okay and that I would wait for her to retire.
Then I said, "Let me speak to Jennifer about it."
Thats when she said, "Do you ever listen to yourself?
You have to ask Jennifer to do anything."
I just looked at her...
What difference does it make.
I was thinking about it again.
Do you remember what it was like?
To be with someone.
Someone you liked.
Knowing that they wanted it from you and you wanted it back from them.
That dinner date that actually went well and that person
didn't answer the phone, didn't wander off, and didn't look at someone else at the other table.
They wanted to see who you are instead of what you are.
I was thinking about it last night.
Yeah it was late late after Bey left to go back to her real real life.
I get tired of having to fake it with her all the time.
She pays so I live with it. Her secret is safe with me.
So anyway back to our date.
I was thinking about the smell of your her.
The curves of your body.
Your warm mouth underneath the lipstick.
Standing anywhere alone, closer to each other than at the beginning,
closer to each other than you ever thought you would be.
Finally out of the rain and to a ride to somewhere else.
The anticipation of what might occur between you.
Your imagination running as you pass street light after street light.
You know the way, you count every turn, every tree, and every rooftop.
You look at me.
You check again to make sure if what you see is what you want.
You want to be sure but honestly, tastefully, you just want.
You want it. Your dying to have it.
You can feel it rushing up from your toes, to your legs,
passed your knees, and finally to your thighs.
Warm and intoxicating.
Inviting the night in just to see it all again.
Just to touch it again...
You arrive home.
I get the door and take your hand.
And you go back to that empty place.
Smiling handshakes and thanks fill the air.
Everybody laughs and leaves on good terms.
Another fun night of celebrating comes to a close.
I say, "I'm gonna grab a cab."
And thats when you look at me again.
Do you like what you see. Do you invite me in.
Or do you just want it.
Want it with someone you like.
With someone who takes control so you don't have to ask or judge or even think.
Someone who says I want to come in but doesn't unless you ask them to.
You look at me. The street in the background. The traffic rushing by.
You think to yourself-
"Is this okay.. Is this important now.. Will I respect myself in the morning..
Will my team, my coaches, my piers, and my colleagues respect me.
Can't I have just one bite. Cheat just once. Throw caution to the wind.
Let go of everything and have it all. Have as much as I want again and again and again.
Leave nothing to chance. No talk. No wine. No lights. no fights."
Just the two of us.
I see the moonlight coming in from the window.
Can we go there and can we invite love too?
Maybe next time. Bye.
Hi. Your playing as I right.
When I checked it was three all on serve in the first set.
Looking at the score now has a completely different feeling to it now.
I'm almost afraid to get caught up in it.
I don't want to be that connected to you.
I don't want the outcome of your matches to start dictating how I feel.
And yes I know that losing makes the winning even sweeter Sugar.
I just don't want to lose THAT much.
On the other hand, I know that you are a professional.
You know how to walk away and throw out a tough loss.
You don't get so wound up about it.
There's more to life than tennis yada yada yada.
I would need time not to get upset at a bad call called against you by the chair umpire.
The lines-women usually get it right.
I'm still a fan of human beings making the calls.
I know the machine gets it right but then you take away something from the game.
John McEnroe wouldn't be the icon he is today with machines making all of his ins called out.
I'm still trying to find out how to explain everything to Jennifer.
You know, what's the connection between us, who called whom first.
Why didn't i tell her right away.
She is going to accuse me of doing something because
Jennifer is a master at playing the victim.
She will try to sabotage whatever she thinks we are to each other.
Her anger is directly solely at me.
She likes you. Respects you. She would never say anything bad about you.
She just wants an alternative to our misunderstanding.
An answer from me that justifies whatever relationship she thinks that I have with you.
Its becoming more and more clear to me that this conversation won't end until she is
satisfied with the answer that she wants to hear.
Something like-"Maria and i are not in a relationship. We are not together.
She hates me. I'm just not funny enough for her. We are not close friends.
We are friends through another friend that knows everybody. We never talk."
She wants to feel in her heart that she can come over whenever she wants to
and know that I am not busy with whatever you, Bey, or Britney have on my table.
That there is absolutely nothing going on.
That you are just a movie of the week. That Jennifer is the trilogy.
The epic. The masterpiece novel that is totally unfinished.
Its funny I couldn't have scripted it any better.
The only question left to answer now is...
(drum roll please)
Gwyneth and Katy just left. Katy has quite the appetite.
I spoke to Maria and she changed her mind.
She told me that she wants me to wait for her.
I told her that i already spoke to you
and that you are still thinking about what you were going to tell HIM.
I also said that I needed more from you.
For example, what do you want from me?
That its not the waiting for you but the the waiting for WHAT from you.
She said she wanted to talk about it again and that i should let her know
what i think about you and her and everything.
I told her that I would speak to you about it since I just told you that Maria dumped me.
She said she "You told her that?"
I said yes and that you were surprised to hear it.
I told her we were going to get back together.
I told her everything.
Maria just looked at me.
Bey wants more and more. I can't keep up. I may have to send her elsewhere.
So anyway on to something more serious.
I can feel you putting pressure on me.
Its in my heart. I can feel it.
Its like the time when we went to the Hamptons
and you left me there in that big house all by myself over night.
Do you remember what you said to me when you came back?
"Oh your here."
I went to Maria because it was safe.
A safe way out. I needed it.
When it didn't happen between us I started running.
Running from you.
With Maria I didn't feel anything.
She doesn't care.
She doesn't need it.
Somehow this is safe for me now.
Um i haven't forgotten.
I haven't just been lying to myself to tell you the truth.
I wanted you.
Don't worry, just for awhile.
In the dark with candles all over the room.
Soft music with a little brandy.
We talk all night like we used to.
You read the sounds to me and i see your voice touching all the words.
We find a song that we like.
We joke about it being over between us.
As if its not important.
As if this doesn't mean anything.
You tell me about your great new life and I tell you about Maria.
You laugh as if we won't last.
You say, "Your not the marrying type.."
I say, "It could happen, I could do it again. It depends."
"it depends on what?" your arms draped around my neck looking even further into my eyes.
You can see me hiding. You want to know if i am being serious.
If I am bluffing. If all this Maria talk is just talk.
"I like Maria. She has things about her that i like. She makes me cry."
Then you say , "if you like her that much then why are you here slow dancing with me,
why aren't you with her?"
"She is playing. She wants to finish what she started.
Isn't that what you are doing too?" retreating as I say it.
Then she says, "I start all of my finishes, you know that.
So are you going to tell me why you are here with me now, in the dark, slow dancing
in your pajamas?"
"I'm enjoying your company. I always have." I say it with a hint of sarcasm.
"Don't forget I didn't watch that show of yours-so i'm catching up now."
Jennifer can take anything.
I like that I can say whatever whenever and she still smiles.
"I'm not leading here am I?" as I twirl her slowly.
She says, "Not anymore, does that bother you?"
"Does it bother that your not first anymore?"
She likes making me feel uncomfortable.
Its a game Jennifer likes to play.
"I have never been first. I have always been last. Um since I can remember.."
"Not all of us are like you, we have to work at it to get a meal."
She smiles and says, "You know what, enough, enough of the BS, are you going to tell
me why you are here with me. Are you going to tell me? Tell me right now..
I want to know right now.."
to be continued...
Morning Beautiful. (Maria)
Just in case there was any confusion.
Good luck out there today. Yet another big match.
Have fun. Give them Maria.
Give them what they want to see over and over again.
You wonderful you.
I'll be here in the back, cheering you on and ripping my hair out LOL.
Um here is an actual fact about me, don't laugh.
I haven't bedded a woman since 2002.
Um yeah I've wanted to but I just didn't want to waste it.
I want the next time to mean something um BIG.
This isn't to suggest that anything should happen between us uh
I was just throwing it out there LOL.
Yeah so luckily everything still works. I checked.
Imagine if it only worked if you continued to use it and if you stopped using it
it wouldn't work anymore.
I was just minding my own business and bumped into you on the way to the Bey.
Yeah its the first left on the write just passed the ocean.
The ocean. How I love the ocean um yeah.
I saw a picture of you. Sunrise.
You were sitting on a wall at the beach.
The morning in your hair.
Yeah its nothing. Everything. Always.
So anyway um I know you don't want to continue whatever this was...
Um I won't think about you anymore.
Yeah right LOL.
How about I won't dream about you anymore.
Thats fair, right?
I'll focus all my attention on Jennifer instead.
She doesn't care anyway.
She's wrapped up in how things have to look.
She wants everything to go off without a hitch.
You know, make the big breakfast but just don't finish it all.
Its such a great great picture of you.
I was thinking about you that morning.
Is it always spent alone on the beach?
If it is, that beach sure is lucky.
Um so thanks for making the sunrise at sunrise.
I really really REALLY appreciate it.
If there is anything I can do to pay you back-just let me know.
Okay so um I gotta go.
Embrace this moment.
Its not everything nothing or something but for you my love, anything anything anything...
Bye Girl Bye.
"Centipede" by Rebbie Jackson.
I love this song...
"Hi its me. I want to do it now.
Right away. Before the makeup people arrive.
Otherwise we won't get the chance.
Call me back, I'm circling around again waiting for you.
Don't let me down. I want to see you before you leave.
"Its me again. I'm across the street.
I feel like I'm in love.
I'm warm, flying, and crying at the same time.
I'm waiting for you.
You were right about turning everything off.
There's nobody here! Hurry up! Bye."
"Where are you?" I had to move.
They showed up. I was hoping for something quiet.
Um I wish I could tell you.
Um I'm sorry about before and that you lost. Call me."
"Um your still not here yet.
Jennifer just arrived with somebody I don't know.
I have no idea who this is...
She's saying good night to her at her car.
She parked here... I wonder why?"
"She's waiting in her car across the street.
Did you invite her? Where are you?
This is something we should have discussed ahead of time.
Maria I'm leaving in ten minutes."
"Some hot chick just showed up.
They are talking now.
Its NOT Charlize...
I have no idea who this is either...
Where are you? You said seven.
I can't believe I'm waiting for you this long.
Call my other cell because I'm turning this one off."
"What? You go out partying after a loss??
I know you want to turn the page after a loss and all
but why make me wait?
The hot chick got in the car with her.
They have been in their for awhile now.
I know she saw my car...
She knows I'm here she's such a tramp."
"Take your time.
I want to see what Jennifer is going to do and why she is here.
She's been here over twenty minutes now.
Jennifer doesn't wait twenty minutes for anyone including me.
Call me Maria. I'm serious."
"Shut up and listen. The hot brunette just got out..
Okay.. okay.. Jennifer just got out.
She's doing that thing that she does when she has just you-know-what...
I can't believe it.
Wait this could be you on the other line..."
"Are you out with Roger or Novak?
That was Bey again.
God... she just won't leave me alone.
I go here she goes there, I go left she goes right behind me.
Where are you Maria?" Call me. Its me Mr. New York.
"I hate calling you. Where are you?
Hot Jen chick left.
You should have seen it, Jennifer put one last good one her too.
You know my Jen.
Polite. Unintentional. Flirty and smiling while she does it.
Where are you Maria, call me A.S.A.P. I'm serious."
"Your here. God. Do you see me...
Who-is-she?? Nice ride.
Do you see Jen? Jennifer is right there!
Maria turn around! God!
This is what happens when you lose a match??
Who are all of these hot women?!?
"Okay shut up! I got it!
I'll be there in ten but you really should have told me she was coming.
I have history with this woman. All kinds of history.
Okay okay we are on the move now. Go ahead. Go Maria just go!
I don't know. She's right behind me with Britney.
Megan is bringing up the rear again with... what's her name again?
Oh yeah Amanda. She hates my guts too.."