Okay.

Um I don't sleep around.

I'm loyal. I drop everything for someone.

Also I'm not into public displays of affection.

As far as I'm concerned appearances should be deceiving if not bankable.

A mutual understanding of these terms is extremely important.

I like to keep my chaos under control.

We do the right thing we respect each others space.

Also as a rule of thumb we can only hold hands at the end of the night.

Holding hands and pairing off after an entertaining evening

should be looked upon as two friends having fun having a night out.

Don't forget that I am going to tell them that-

"We met through a mutual friend..

Maria needed yet another escort and I made the mistake of volunteering to be her chaperone for the evening.

Yes LOL, its not just a job its an adventure.

But seriously, honestly, I feel very very lucky to be here with her.

Um happy is an extreme understatement.

I don't take her for granted. I listen to everything she has to say.

She's the pro here LOL, I'm just a beginner."

So anyway, we should have a signal.

If you get into a conversation that doesn't agree with you

and hit someone over the HEAD with your racquet.

I'll rush over and offer them bags of Sugarpova, absolutely on you-free of charge.

You know to soften the blow so to speak.

This idea came to me while I was soaking in a steaming hot hot bath.

Bubbles. They mean so much to me these days. They really do.

Um I want to see more before I make my decision.

After work, on an off day, ride a bike.

Anywhere.

A city, a boardwalk, a sidewalk, the beach. 

Whatever.

Wear something other than Nike.

Wear something that I won't forget. 

Challenge me.

Wear something that says you, lovely and beautiful you...

Hi.

I just came back in from the other room.

Yeah you got me two.

Yeah yeah, I'll admit it I was thinking about you.

No nothing out of the ordinary. Just stuff.

Your write. I am a lousy liar.

So anyway, I missed your whole video live feed morning chat thing.

Um do you remember when you were just starting out and you were in

between destinations in your life?

You probably don't remember anymore being so successful and all.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

All of us partying in Gramercy Park. 

Running around naked, losing all of our inhibitions, our freedoms, our souls.

Young free and very very stupid.

I of course was one of the leaders of the adventurous immature and stupid club.

My dad was in Europe at the time on business so I threw a four day party at his castle.

Over thirty people slept in the living room.

That night we dropped acid, smoked marijuana, and played hide and go seek.

Later on we took the game down to the private park itself.

Running and hiding behind trees, benches, and bushes.

It was me showing off again.

Being adventurous and stupid.

So stupid in fact that I locked them in the park and hid in the Gramercy Park Hotel across the street.

Thats when I bumped into a big big celebrity.

A television icon.

He was nice and offered me an entire sheet of hallucinatory drugs.

100 tabs of the stuff!

I wasn't a user so I had no idea what it was.

When I got back downstairs I gave them out to all of my friends as a gift.

Thats around the time when things starting getting crazy.

Breathing trees and talking flowers.

Dragon clouds and dancing shadows.

Nudity. Wildness. Raw and untamed.

I didn't participate. 

I just sat there and watched...

So anyway, that summer ended and everybody went there separate ways.

Suddenly I was alone. I felt abandoned.

Thats when I first noticed Jennifer Aniston.

She was on this show called "Friends".

It was cool. 

The show was about a group of friends and their relationship to one another.

Courteney. Courteney Cox was Jennifer's hot sidekick in the show and she was really cool in it too.

I saw just bits and pieces of this show after I had just lost so many many friends.

The show ended up being a cruel cruel reminder of my plight.

I felt pathetic wanting to watch it anyway.

So I just didn't watch it.

I didn't watch a show that EVERYBODY was talking about all the time.

For the longest time I had no idea who Chandler was.

I couldn't engage in any conversation about the show because I hadn't seen it.

I was too embarrassed to tell anyone that I didn't watch it.

It took syndication but I finally got over my "Friends" problem or lack there of.

No I didn't watch the show.

I solved my dilemma by not watching it after all.

Anyway thats my "Friends" story.

And unfortunately, tragically, its all true.

Hi. Your beautiful.

I've had it up to here.

God. Don't you hate it when your formally introduced to someone usually older

and they don't just shake your hand and let it go.

Instead they hold your hand and lean in and talk to you about something you

don't want to talk about or drop disgusting comments about their personal life.

This probably never happens to you being number three in the world and all.

But this happens to me ALL THE TIME.

Some troll decides that he or she should get to know me better.

And of course there's always some person in their long long boring story who did something disgusting

along with them, as to validate whatever disgusting behavior that they think should occur later that evening.

Then there is the blank check trick.

Your at a party. A friend, someone you can trust, says he wants to introduce you to someone important.

So you don't want to offend your trusted friend so you play along-you agree to meet whomever.

The whomever ends up being the King or Queen of blah blah blah or a CEO of whatever.

Fine.

They look the part. The speak eloquently. The seem okay.

Then they do the unthinkable.

They joke about sex under their breath.

They look you up and down.

They touch you with their slimy hands.

They laugh loudly and call you baby.

They turn a very very public place into a peek a boo theater and your the main course.

Then they mutter something about "My spouse is out of town."

Then its, "Come look at my plane, train, and my new automobile."

When all they really want is for you to get undressed.

I swear with all of these predators out here its so hard to get back into the dating scene again.

(sigh)

I'm probably wasting your time with all of this.

You have safeguards in place. You don't have these types of issues to deal with.

Your Maria for crying out loud, the number three pro women's tennis player in the world...

I just figured that someone who makes themselves so available to anyone would have this problem too.

I guess I guessed wrong.

Okay M. Here it comes..

A letter that I wrote to my ex...

Dear Alexandra,

This is my unsent letter to you.

You will never see it.

So I can say whatever I want.

And you will never know what I said.

And you will never know my pain.

At the Club I was unable to tell you.

You were making fun of me with H.

Giving me dirty looks.

Laughing at me when I went to the hospital.

All the while all I wanted was to be your friend.

I wanted more but would have taken anything.

I would leave right after my work out was over as to not disturb you.

Even after you told Danielle not to talk to me-I let it go.

I let you win.

I got secretly married to someone who needed a way out.

I hid the truth from my parents to save her.

It was worth the risk. The more the merrier.

As for you Alexandra it was love at first sight.

How was I supposed to know that you would be there.

I knew I liked you right from the start.

There was no dought in my mind.

Its been nine years since then and I still have these moments of you.

Glimpses of what I thought we should be together.

However I do have one tangible item that says you-your business card.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder what your doing.

If you ever think about me.

Since then I've been trying to find someone else.

I do have some new "friends" now.

Really great gals.

They have helped me through some tough tough times.

I'm still young. Making all kinds of mistakes.

Still learning how to unlearn what I've learned.

I know none of this concerns you.

You are an athlete. Confident. No fear.

Why would you want anything to do with someone like me.

What could i possibly offer you?

Thanks. And don't forget-no matter what...

We both left the health club...

There was no reason for me to be there anymore so I left too.

Maria beautiful Maria, I want to thank you.

For being the friend that Alexandra never let me be.

You will always be in my heart.

Thanks again.

Finally.

When your finished work maybe you and I can catch the late late LATE show.

Let me say that one more time...

Maybe, alone, together in the dark, we can catch the late late LATE show-hint hint hint.

Okay no more fun and games-its money time.

So get her.

Wake me up when you get home.

Hi its me. 

Maria you missed the tag!

Its okay. People always ask me why I hold my crotch all the time.

I tell them its a force of habit. A natural selection.

So anyway I'm following in my idol Andre Agassi's footsteps.

I'm using the four ball cans instead of the three balls cans. 

More room. Good color. A much much better grip. 

Yeah you know how that goes, your a pro two.

So Champ, its on two the Final.

I wonder what the Great Stefi Graf would say..

"Caroline is a proven player. A base line banger.

She is playing the big points of the match very well right now.

So its up to Maria to keep the pressure on her and match her intensity.

I expect longer rallies. No finessing it here.

Balls hit much deeper in the court than what Maria has seen up until now, 

so we will be treated to lots and lots of great tennis.

The umpire needs to get it right and make the right call.

They know each other extremely well. Rivals to the bitter end.

They both know what it takes to win.

It should be a lot of fun to watch."

Well thank you Stefi Graf for yet another perspective.

Your analysis is always welcomed.

Um I'll be monitoring your progress during the entire match and beyond.

Your on my mind.

That my dear is a good question.

"What took me so long?"

Welcome home Champ!

Listening to "Celebrate Me Home", you know the Christmas song.

Miami isn't Sochi but I am sure it will do.

I can't stay. Jennifer is waiting AGAIN.

Agreed. As soon as this is over. I promise.

She is much more aggressive with her tactics lately.

Monitoring my every move.

It seems that when I switched from Smart Water to Evian she got upset.

The switch was just a coincidence. It just happened.

It wasn't a pre meditated move or anything.

Smart Water is NEVER EVER on sale.

There might be something else to it, but I dought it.

She's married for Pete's sake.

To a guy named "Just-in" for crying out loud.

She doesn't need me and I'm not on the market on anymore.

I'm gonna talk to Thor and Liam and ask them whats up.

They know her a lot better than I do anyway.

With me its just "Are you ready?" and "What's the delay?"

I'm not a machine.

I can't just turn it on without feeling anything.

I'm not Spock.

There is only one person on the planet that can turn it on right now.

Hi.

Loving you now more than ever before..

I love watching you fly the flag.

And by the way Maria where on Earth is the flood?

(cough)

So anyway um I'm still trying to avoid love.

But of course its not just about love is it.

Its about drama.

The against all odds, I'll never leave you-

lets just run away together love.

That far far away trek from tennis, the world,

and everything that stands in our way love.

You can't leave it. Your addicted.

The winning. The losing. The applause.

How do you walk away from it?

This is why i take two hour long long milk baths.

To remove the gloom and doom of it all.

To cleanse my body of the worries of love.

Rubbing away the doughts while still fulfilling my every fantasy.

No. No. Again I'm all alone.

Hungry. Hunted. Haunted.

Its okay. I'm all taken care of.

I've got lots and lots of logs on the fire.

A way out to get inside.

Jennifer's beauty, her darkness, lights my way home.

And I see myself walking away as I run to another.

Wounded. Wanting. Waiting for it all to happen.

When my bride comes for me I'll be ready.

Maria I've had it up to here. Listen up.

Enough of the matches, the trophies, and the scandal.

I want my HEAD autograph.

Thats right.

And I want it tonight.

Forget Caroline. She's a weiner.

I mean a winner.

She's so good she can play herself.

You and me alone girl tonight.

Your pen my blank.

Right me back.

Hi

Just got in. Running all over town for a poster.

Anything with you in it.

I ask for tennis and they look at me like I'm an illegal alien.

I usually wait to say your name because people just don't understand

what its like to be you.

I'm looking for you because I have to let Jennifer go.

I have to get her name out of my HEAD.

She's all over it and thats not the write way to do things.

God I remember so many nights with Jen.

So many moments looking at her after a long day and thinking 

should i go and her saying "No stay. I want you to stay."

I'd end up staying the night and we would just stay up and laugh and laugh.

She would tell me about her day and how funny it all is.

She was something to see in the dark.

There was so much more to her, I had no idea.

Then one day she picked up and left town.

I was okay with it. I had no choice.

There was nothing needed to be said.

Its happened to me before.

Then I found out she finally found someone younger that she really likes a lot.

Thats when she came back and told me all about it.

I said "Great, this is what you've wanted since I can remember."

And she just looked at me.

"Jen? Hello? Anybody there?"

Then she told me about him and also told me that there was some

things that she wasn't sure about.

I told her what she was saying seemed okay to me

and that younger guys do that kind of stuff.

In other words I had no idea what to tell her.

I reassured her anyway.

I wanted her to think that I wanted her go. I lied.

So they went on with their lives and I stood still.

She would fly in, call me, and we would meet late late in the West Village. 

She always wanted to talk about him and get my opinion about what he said and did.

I listened. I gave her my approval.

I supported her, him, whatever.

I gave her what she wanted to hear.

I lied.

Now they are getting married.

Um at that point I found myself lost in a dark dark place.

I had no where to turn.

I'm not sure why I stood by and didn't say anything.

I wanted her to be happy.

I wanted her for myself.

But she was into him so I let her go to him.

I had many chances to tell her but I was afraid.

Watching her change in front of me.

Watching her eat. Sleep.

Watching her watching herself.

It just became too much.

She would react to something and touch my arm or my shoulder.

When someone touches you that often for almost no reason

you grow accustom to them. You remember it. It grows.

And you grow with them together.

This happened and I retreated. 

Like a coward I sat and watched her to go him.

Hearing her voice and him in the background was tough but i got through it.

Suffice it to say I've moved on.

I'm over it.

I promised myself that i wouldn't let that happen again.

That if there was a girl that i liked that i would say something.

I stopped reading the paper. The tabloids. Her text messages.

She's been busy but has made time for me anyway.

We met at Starbucks. She was her usual disheveled self.

Morning. Coffee. Friendly but wanted to be unfriendly.

I just looked at her while she complained about something not being

what she ordered.

She was fully entrenched in this younger guy.

She completely forgot our nights together.

She forgot me.

She forgot us.

i think that this comes with the territory. Stardom and all.

So now its my turn to remember to forget her.

So far so good. So far..so good.