Hi. I'm thinking about you.

And I'm not expecting anything from you.

You don't owe me an apology.

Jennifer tried the other night.

We were walking back from a show.

Its just a few blocks. Good exercise.

It was raining very very hard.

She was in her new black boots and black trench coat collar up pretending to be a Russian spy.

She jokes about speaking fluent KGB.

Um yeah right.

I was in my usual dressy casual attire.

What?

No Maria, no darling I'm not going to hit it long.

I'm not going to double fault on "match" point.

I'm not going to tell you exactly what I'm wearing.

Instead you and I are going to have long long volleys together.

Back and forth back and forth. Up and down.

No rain delays.

No timeouts.

No bad calls.

We get it right.

So anyway um Jennifer and I are holding hands walking in the pouring rain.

At the end of every block I unzip.

You know to protect the new $1500 Italian boots that she just bought for the evening.

She says to me, "You can tell me you know."

I say back, "I can tell you what?"

She says, "That you don't want to be a threesome."

I look at her as we reach the end of another block.

I unzip.

She steps forward.

We cross the street.

I zip up.

Then I say, "Jennifer um lets not talk about this now."

Lets let our gladiator come home. Lets let Maria come home."

Then I say, "Its not up to me and you. Its up to her."

Then she says, "No its up to you.

I didn't see what was happening to me until you brought it up.

I didn't see it with everything thats going on."

Then I say, Its funny I know what you mean.

I was so busy looking at Courteney, dreaming about Courteney.

That I didn't see you or Maria.

When I saw you and Maria I realized just how great you two make me feel.

I felt like I had missed the whole thing.

We reach the end of another block.

I unzip.

She steps forward.

We cross the street.

I zip up.

Then I say, "But this does us no good now. She's probably not available anymore.

Word out of Madrid is that she's seeing some handsome new guy now.

Some native. 

I feel sorry for him. He has no idea what's coming.

How beautifully cruel her beauty is. 

How she boards a plane and doesn't turn around, doesn't come back until next time."

Jennifer doesn't say anything.

I grab her hand. Stop her from walking.

She looks at me sadly with those big beautiful beautiful eyes.

Watching me to see what happens next.

I say, "We can help each other. Maria doesn't need us. She's a pro.

I think she needs more time to figure out what she wants.

Who she wants. 

Um we are both hurting. We don't know who we can to trust.

You and I can stay together, lick away the pain.

Close those wounds caused by things that happened that we had no control over.

Fix what's broken. Learn to trust again."

We start slowly walking again.

She doesn't say anything.

We get to her building.

We go upstairs. Walk in to her place.

I close my umbrella but don't take my coat off.

She looks at me and says "get undressed", as if to say your not seriously thinking about leaving are you?"

So I take my coat off and sit down.

She says quietly drying off, "What's wrong?"

(long paws)

I break down and tell her my surprise.

I'm frustrated because there is just no getting anything past her.

I cave and tell her about the surprise that I hid in her apartment.

That I planted HOT, WARM, and COLD post-its all over her bedroom.

You know to help her find it.

I also told her that I didn't want to be here for the hunt.

That I didn't want to see her reaction.

I wanted to her to know that your decision had absolutely no bearing on what happens between me and her.

I wanted her to know that there was nothing to think about.

She just looked at me.

Then she said excitedly, "So so can I look for it!"

And thats when I said, "Can I leave first?"

Hi. I'm back from hanging with my friend global music entertainment superstar Jennifer Lopez.

We were there together in her own backyard.

Her old stomping grounds growing up.

Its funny you walk down her street with her and it rains really really hard.

Catcalls. High praise. Marriage proposals. Even debts, "Where's my five dollars, JLo?"

You also hear everybody say "Ha-lo" everywhere you go.

I heard it so many times by so many people that I finally had to ask her,

"Jennifer is it strange to hear people shout "halo" at you all the time?

Do you ever think about Beyonce when you hear them calling you that over and over again?

I know you two are friends, do you guys keep in touch?"

She answers back sharply, "I know about you Maria and Jennifer."

Then she says, "How do you do that, how do you Cher?"

I say, "Listen whatever Britney told you is untrue. We don't Cher."

She looks me up and down to see if I'm telling her the truth or not.

Then she responds to someone on a rooftop shouting at her in Spanish.

She smiles and waves. Flexes them a pose as if to say proudly,

"I am single mother of two, hear me roar."

Yeah she owns the place.

Then she says to me, "Yeah I thought about it.

But I could never get the other two people in the threesome to get along.

They would just end up fighting over me.

How did you do it? How did you get both to love you and love each other?"

I say, "Well I originally got the idea from Britney.

She told me about her experience and it sounded good.

She was able to make it work.

And thats when I approached my significant other and the rest is history.

So far so good but we are not officially a "three" yet.

We are still working out the kinks in the kinky so to speak.

We, such as yourself, also lead busy busy lives so we haven't had too many chances to three.

In fact we haven't "threed" yet.

All we have to show for it so far is the idea to do it and the enormous bed that Jennifer bought.

She told me the bed spoke to her and thats when I knew we had to reconnect with Maria."

We get to the end of the block I don't have to unzip because its not raining that kind of rain. I think.

She says, "Is this what happened between you and Britney, why you guys broke up?"

I say, "No um no, what happened between Britney and me had nothing to do with her "threes".

We met as ones and we turned into a two for awhile. We were never got the chance to be a three.

We spent some nice evenings together out at her other house.

She was told something that wasn't true and instead of asking me about it

she accused me of what she heard that wasn't true.

She said I was with another woman right after being with her and that wasn't true."

Jennifer yells, smiles for a photo, waves across the street.

"Her people" as she puts it, applauding, waving their homemade signs as if a parade was walking by.

She is such a super hero in these parts. Larger than life. So many look up to her here.

And through it all she handles it with grace, dignity, and integrity.

You can see that she truly enjoys the connection that she has with her fans

and she milks it for everything its worth.

She's truly having a love affair with "her people".

We talk some more but she was there to spend time with her folks.

We just happened to bump into each other again running from what we have to run away from all the time.

I can't tell if she likes being caught or what because she drives a Maserati.

This car has wings.

As if her beauty wasn't enough of a fantasy to begin with then she hits you with this big star super car.

I mean how do you hide from anyone that way?

I never get the diva that everybody says that she is and thats why when we hang out its always classy.

Thor.

Sorry its taken me so long to get back to you, bro.

Things have been hectic around here.

And the weather has been awful rain, rain, and more rain.

Its so bad I had to buy a new umbrella.

JLo told me to say hi.

Good news.

I got Blair.

Blair is coming. Yeah I know the other Dark Knight.

Okay look I gotta go, it being Mother's Day and all.

Our girl has yet another big championship match coming up.

Keep your Hammer crossed for her.

Hopefully she still has something left in the tank for Madrid

after playing California, Indian Wells, and then Germany.

She's superwoman so I'm hoping for the best.

Oh yeah I got your messages um I can't go there.

Bey won't let me go there so keep checking for more "updates" here.

Oh yeah one more thing, should I invite Channing?

Let me know what you think.

And I know about Liam and that he's just too busy. its cool.

He doesn't want to come and its okay. No problem.

I'll let them ALL know that he's NOT coming.

Its too bad because we could use him.

We will be outnumbered and he would be a welcome addition to my team.

Make no mistake. As soon as we can we will.

I'll keep you posted. Keep practicing.

Keep living anyway you can Thor.

Later.

Hi. Listening to Nelly Furtado, "Say it Right".

I keep falling in love with you over and over again.

Your so beautiful its crazy.

You bring me to my knees.

Ruin me for the rest. 

Make me run. Run away from you.

Your everywhere I turn even when your not there.

Too bad I can't have you.

He told me I can't.

(paws)

Um I have something I have to tell you.

Bey called um she's pregnant.

Good question.

When we were together last time she wasn't on her tour yet.

It was at night, the usual circumstances.

She stopped by with out calling.

Hungry and in a hurry.

We turned off all the lights.

We were listening to Joe, "All the things your man won't do"

We started wrestling.

I let her dominate me.

One thing led to another and the usual things happened.

While she was on top she told me she wanted to add another addition to her family.

I said struggling to break free, "Good idea."

We finished wrestling.

She won, I didn't.

I walked her to her car, we said good bye and she left.

Now she calls me and says that she's not sure that its his.

That it might be mine.

I almost lost it.

I didn't get upset.

I wasn't a dick about it.

But I have to admit it startled me.

Then I said, "So do you want to have it?"

And she said. "No matter what."

I sat down.

Poured my self a tall tall glass of Evian water.

A thousand things running through my mind at once.

Then I said, "I thought we discussed that I wasn't going to be a donor.

That we were going to play it "safe".

Then she said, "I was. We were. I don't know what happened."

Then I said, "Did you tell Kelly? Does she know that it might not be his?

That it could be mine?"

She said, "I didn't tell anyone. I wanted to be sure first.

I wanted you to be the first to know."

Then I said, "If its mine I'm dead man. He will have me killed."

I take a bottle of Smart Water out of the fridge.

Then she says, "Its not your fault. I came here. You didn't.

You gave me a place to hide from his people.

They follow me all over town.

I needed an exit and you gave me one."

Then she said, "I'll talk to him.

If I have to I'll send you away somewhere far away, somewhere where he can't find you."

Then I said, "If its mine Bey I'm dead."

Hi. Dream two.

Your getting ready to leave.

Its a long flight.

Its our last night together.

The hotel room has a great view.

You can see the city bustling down below.

Your deep in thought getting ready while I check my email.

You say to me, "Give me the thing for her. I'll make sure she gets it."

I get up and go to the walk-in closet.

I look around. Its not there.

I say, "I don't see it here. Are you sure its here?"

You walk into the closet.

The door closes behind you.

You open a box.

Then a travel bag.

Then I remember.

"I know where it is" as if to say Eureka. 

"Its near the window under the head board." I say.

You look at me.

You say, "We can't have something like that out, what if somebody sees it?"

I say, "Your right, your right. I have to be more careful."

You start putting the boxes back.

I try the door.

It doesn't move.

I say to you, "Um is there a trick to open the door, it doesn't open."

You look at me as you close the travel bag.

You try the door.

Your mouth opens wide.

You kick the door.

I start pushing on the door.

We look at the door and then at each other.

We are locked in.

You look at me again.

I say, "Don't look at me, you let the door close behind you."

Then I say, "We don't have locks on our closets in the states."

Then you say, "I wouldn't be in the closet to begin with if you had remembered where you put it!

Now what are we supposed to do?"

We stand there for a minute listening to the television from the closet.

Its something about you.

Your new Samsung phone ringing in the background over and over again.

You look down at the carpet.

You look at me.

You grab my hand.

We sit.

I say to you quietly, "Um I thought we needed to spend more quality time together

but this isn't what i had in mind."

You say calmly, "They will keep calling and eventually they will all come looking."

Then I say, "So what happens now?"

You just look at me.

Hi. Every night. Non stop. Until we all get there.

Um I hope your feeling better.

My disbelief, my silence says it all.

I'm watching "Dangerous Liaisons".

Yet another great Ziyi Zhang movie classic. (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon)

No its not for you.

Not something you should see.

And no it has nothing to do with the fact that English is a second language that you still need to learn.

No its just too much of a commitment, much too romantic for you to understand

so I won't bother you with the details.

I will say that one of the characters reminds me of you.

I wonder if you could tell me which one.

Um it must get terribly lonely on the tour.

And no I'm not talking about friends, shopping, or um training.

No I'm talking about the good GOOD stuff, smiling as I say it.

(paws)

I think about you from time to time.

About you on your... jet.

What it must be like to leave something in your wake just to have to pick it back up again at the next stop.

Meet God knows who for God knows what.

Making it all up so that you can keep flying.

That you never ever land.

I'm not going to ask if your in "The Club" or not because I don't want to know.

I won't ask if turbulence makes it better because that would be crossing into your very very private jet life.

But sometimes I wonder if you have, and if you do, and for how long, and if you still do now?

I mean is there a sofa bed?  A good side?  

Does the chair tilt all the way back?

Do you have help? Do you need help? 

Is there that special must have on the jet that makes the risk worthwhile?

It can't just be take off, play, and land.

Thats just not enough of a challenge for you.

There's got to be something else.

There's something very VERY Maria going on up there.

We miss you.

Hi. Um yeah Jennifer found out about the Bette.

She said, "Did you really think that I wouldn't find out about the Bette?"

I said, "No, no, I was going to tell you about the Bette."

Then she said, "Why did you tell Maria about the Bette?"

I said, "Because I didn't think that it mattered.

Maria is thousands of miles away and has no bearing on what happens here.

So what difference does it make if she knows about the Bette or not."

Then she said, "This need-to-know policy girlfriend thing needs to stop.

I'm not going to put up with this. Don't you know who I am?

Waiting to here back from you to hear back from her has to stop."

Then I said, "Okay, it stops right now.

My gift says it all about just how important you are to me."

She just looked at me.

Then I said, "Whatever you want to do.

If you don't want me to talk to Maria I'll never talk to her ever again."

Then she got excited, "I didn't say don't talk to her ever again, I didn't say don't talk to her!

Your mixing my words up! 

I said I don't want to have to wait to hear back from you until you've spoken to her first."

Then I said, "Wait a second. You think your the Bette?"

Then I said, "That your the famous celebrity. 

The one that has to have pity on me. The one that i have to take to bed."

Then I said, "Um who told you that? What gave you that idea?"

She just looked at me.

Hi. I can't believe you are this way.

Undaunted, unassuming, relentless in your pursuit for love.

Your so passionate about so many things Maria.

How in the world do you get it all in in one day?

I was thinking about you while I was in the pastry shop today.

I was waiting in line looking at all the delicious looking doughnuts, pies, jellies, and jams.

I remember your fondness for big long chocolate covered eclairs.

Hey, do you remember the time when you came over and we were hiding in the dark from them?

You were lighting candles all over the room wearing just my dress shirt.

We were listening to Bob Marley um the "Jamming" song and you were still hungry.

And I said, "Do you want to get something to eat, do you want to go Gray's Papaya?"

And you said, "What's Gray Papaya?"

Do you remember that night?

The night we snuck out and drove to Gray's?

And being an athlete and all I bought you FOUR of the jumbo ones and you ate all FOUR in like a minute.

Do you remember that night?

Do you remember what happened next?

Do you remember who we bumped into?

I was just wondering with everything that happened that night.

With everything that you told me.

If you were serious. 

If you really wanted to do what you said.

Leave it all before you and arrive with everything left behind.

Do you remember what happened in the car?

Your first time ever driving stick by yourself.

Me telling you not to ride the clutch.

Telling you to ease it out slowly.

Parking by the lake so I could watch a star watch the stars.

Do you remember that?

I know its just another moment for you.

Just another boy from another place.

Just being in another place far far away from home.

Well, I remember you well.

The rain. You screaming to put the roof back on.

Me driving us home in the heavy downpour.

Getting to the front door sopping wet and you saying,

"I don't want drive in this um can I stay the night?"